This week I’m giving away THREE copies of my friend, Jennifer Grant‘s book, Love You More. Jennifer is the author of two books of nonfiction and is a contributor to Fullfill, Sojourners‘ God’s Politics blog and Christianity Today’s her.meneutics blog for women. She is currently at work on two new projects: Disquiet Time and 12: A Daybook. For more than a decade, she wrote features, columns, restaurant reviews, and even – for a time – the police blotter (reporting on stolen garden gnomes, possession of drug paraphernalia, and other shenanigans) for Sun-Times Media papers. She is a promiscuous reader who (usually) finishes what she starts, but is just as likely to be found reading Dinosaur Bob as Kate Chopin. Released in May 2012 from Worthy Publishing, MOMumental: Adventures in the Messy Art of Raising a Family was featured in Publishers Weekly and The Christian Science Monitor. Grant is a graduate of Wheaton College (IL) and received her Masters degree in English literature with concentrations in fiction writing and critical theory (Go Derrida!) from Southern Methodist University. She lives with her husband, four children, and a wise and affectionate mutt named Shiloh outside of Chicago, Illinois.
I recently had the chance to ask Jennifer a few questions about her book:
Margaret: What three things have you learned about God, yourself, and adoption since Love You More was published?
Jennifer: It’s been about 3 ½ years since Love You More came out. Since then, my kids have been catapulted into adolescence, I’ve written a few books, and I’ve entered more decidedly into what I must concede is midlife. (I’m 46.)
So, it’s truly a challenge to name only three things I’ve learned, but I’ll try.
1. Parenting teens is harder – and more delightful – than I expected. People who know my family often say: “Wow, all four of your kids are so different from each other.” It’s true. I have to laugh when someone pulls me aside – sometimes after I’ve spoken to a parenting group – and says, “Tell me the truth. Is your adopted child more difficult to parent than the others?” I appreciate the honest question, but I have to admit that I don’t understand (or misunderstand) my daughter Mia any more or less than I do the others, especially in this tricky phase. All of my kids have gone through enormous growth spurts (physically and otherwise) in early adolescence and all have had social, academic, and/or emotional glitches that have utterly confounded me as a parent. They also continue to bloom into delicious young adults whom I admire.
2. Backlash against adoption can be meaningfully addressed by transparency and efforts to promote ethical adoption. Throughout Love You More, I directly address the concerns of those who oppose adoption. Chapter 7, for example, is called: “Adoption: A Crime, a Necessary Evil, or a Miracle?” The so-called “haters” who railed against my book when it came out accused Love You More of being all sunshine without acknowledging the evils some people have committed in the name of adoption. Clearly they didn’t read the book.
I’m grateful for organizations such as “Both Ends Burning” that are strong advocates for ethical adoption. They don’t let negative press knock them off track. I love Both Ends Burning’s declaration that “Growing up in a family is a child’s most basic human right.” I completely agree.
I have friends who are parents to children who were quite literally dying in their countries of origin and who would not be alive today had they not been adopted. These parents sometimes receive reproachful comments from people who say these children would be better off back in the country in which they were born. It’s unthinkably callous and misinformed.
3. My faith and my efforts are enough. I don’t need to second-guess whether the work I’m doing is making a difference in the world or whether I have “enough,” or the right kind of, faith. I need to remain spiritually open, dedicate my efforts to God, and let my work be used, read, enjoyed as it will. There’s a freedom in that, in doing one’s best work, and then just letting it go. I’m just learning to do that, after a number of failed attempts to do so.
What has been the greatest encouragement in your writing experience?
There have been many stunningly encouraging moments and people – including the support and friendship of writers I greatly admire, including you Margaret. (I thank you for that!)
But what first came to mind are a few recent email messages I’ve received from readers of Love You More. One was from a man whose wife had longed to adopt for many years, but who didn’t feel that it was a good choice for his family. He wrote to me in a very raw and moving way about his conviction that God used my book to nudge him toward adoption. (He says he tells people that, “Jesus and Jennifer Grant made me adopt”!) He and his wife fostered and then adopted an older child who has been home with them for more than a year now. She is a joy and he feels incredibly fortunate to be her father.
That kind of letter absolutely slays me – I feel humbled and grateful that God used my story to bring a child who didn’t have a family into a very loving one. The same week that I received that man’s note, I got two similar emails from others who had read the book and later fostered and then adopted children. As you might imagine, I was a grinning, weepy mess after reading these emails.
What was the most difficult thing about sharing the process of adoption through your writing?
Both in writing Love You More and the second book I wrote about my family, MOMumental (which came out several months after Love You More and is a sort of sequel to it), my biggest challenge was to tell real stories about the pain and joys of family life without compromising my kids’ confidences. In MOMumental, there were personal anecdotes that my kids asked me not to include – and I didn’t.
At the moment, I struggle with this, as there is so much to say about parenting adolescents. I know, however, that my first job is to be my kids’ mother. In order to be an effective and loving one, I can’t write about all the issues that come up with them. (I’ve even considered using a pen name – some of the stories are so tantalizingly good – and horrible. Maybe I’ll write about parenting teens later.)
What do you hope will happen in the reader’s heart and mind when they finish Love You More?
I hope readers will better understand what friends and families who have adopted have gone through. Adoption is such a long, arduous, and vulnerable journey.
I hope they’ll also understand what it means to be an advocate for orphans and other vulnerable children, regardless of whether they ever become adoptive parents.
Although, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve learned that Love You More has nudged a lot of people toward adoption, I have also heard from a number of people that reading it made them comfortable choosing not to adopt. And that’s okay with me.
In Love You More, I write:
“What orphans need are families who love them. Period. To be adopted into a family and kept at arm’s length or seen as a charity project in what should be your own home sounds disastrous to me. And tragic. …What I hope all people have in common when they decide to adopt is a desire for a child, a hunch, a yearning, a growing desire to have someone else in their lives. To crouch on the sidewalk and look at the bugs. To offer lessons about the proper method for eating Oreos. To deal with the inevitable problems and stress that will happen in the life of every family, regardless of how it was created.”
In other words, I’m not an “everyone should adopt” kind of person.
But I do think everyone can – and should – look at ways to help orphaned or otherwise vulnerable children.
Check out the trailer for, Love You More.
(RSS Subscribers, click here to view.)
**For National Adoption Month, Grant’s publisher is offering the e-version of Love You More for only $1.99. Available from Amazon, iTunes, Kobo, Google, Barnes and Noble, and CBD.
To win ONE of THREE copies of Love You More, enter a comment on the original post at MargaretFeinberg.com. Winners will be selected and announced on Friday.
Congratulations to the winners: Mindy, Kathryn, Catherine S
In what way has God touched your heart when it comes to helping those in need?
I would love to win a copy of Jennifer’s book! I was adopted as an infant and lived an amazing life with my mom and dad (real parents). I’m grateful for my birth mother giving me life – but grateful to my parents for giving me roots. I was incredibly blessed!
I would love to win a copy of this book. My husband and I are discussing adoption and I would appreciate reading someone else’s experience, troubles, and pure joy.
I would love to add this book to our lending library at Small Bridges, which is a nonprofit organization that helps families who want to adopt raise the financial piece.
I would love a copy of this book!! My husband is a pastor and we are continually trying to champion life for little ones by talking about what God says about orphans, hosting orphan Sunday, and encouraging our people to adopt. Our church even started a race called, “Race to Reclaim” to support families from our church who wanted to adopt.
God has laid the orphan on my heart for a few years now. Do to our circumstances, advocating, loving, praying, and visiting is what I can do right now. I would love to foster or adopt, if God places that in our future. <3
Our first two children were adopted at ages 4 and 6, as well as my two sisters, so I’d love to read this!
There are so many children right in our own local communities that are desperate for a forever home. My daughter and her husband have three children of their own and have adopted three. Even though they said no more, just respite or emergency care, they are now fostering a little 9 month old. And yes, they will adopt him also if it comes to that. Two-and-a-half years ago I adopted a little girl who is now 12. The looks we get when we all go out to eat. There is no better feeling than when the judge bangs her gavel and says that they are officially yours.
I think that when God really touched my heart about helping others, was when I had a chance to visit the people of Sierra Leone, Africa. These people with so little, were so full of joy. I wanted to give them everything. My husband and I are currently praying about expanding our family through adoption, and I’d love to read this book. Thanks.
Hello Jennifer,
My husband and I are starting the process to adopt in January. Would be
A blessing to receive this book. Thank you =)
Tina
Hi Tina –
I’m excited for you and your husband. During National Adoption Awareness Month, there is so much good information, personal stories, and other resources to be found online that will help you as you begin this exciting journey. Wishing you all the best!
Jennifer
Dear Amanda –
I know just what you mean about people who have far less than we have having so much joy. I loved watching the documentary “The Happy Movie.” One of the points it makes is about how once basic needs (such as food, shelter, water) are met, human beings aren’t more happy when they have many material things. You might enjoy it. Very thought-provoking.
Best to you as you consider adoption.
Jennifer
Dear Lynne,
Yours sounds like a wonderful family! I bet it’s so much fun (and so loud, busy) around the holidays. Wishing you a happy, happy Thanksgiving and inspired by the way your family is expanding with love.
Jennifer
Dear Erin –
Yours is certainly a life affected by adoption! Wishing you a very happy Thanksgiving – it sounds like you, as is true for me, have much to be grateful for.
Jennifer
Dear Mindy,
It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be doing at this point. Thank you for your prayers for orphans and vulnerable children and wishing you wisdom and a clear sense of what is God’s will for your family regarding adoption in the years to come.
Jennifer
Dear Shanna,
Oh how wonderful to hear about how your church is supporting adoptive families and focusing on God’s love for orphans and other vulnerable children. Thanks for all of your efforts and wishing you and your husband a very happy Thanksgiving!
Jennifer
Dear Kristina,
Small Bridges sounds awesome! So many families are hindered by the costs of adoption. The organization I mentioned in the interview with Margaret (called Both Ends Burning) speaks out about that as well. I’m always grateful when I think of organizations like yours that help to offset the costs so that children can join loving families.
Jennifer
Dear Meghan,
Wishing you and your husband all the best as you consider adding to your family through adoption. What a huge decision – hoping you will have a clear sense of what is right for you two and wishing you joy.
Jennifer
Dear Theresa,
That is SO wonderful to hear. I’m sure your parents say they are the blessed ones to have raised you and to have the privilege of being your mom and dad.
Wishing you joy.
Jennifer
I have three children through the miracle of adoption. Would love to read this book.
Dear Cassandra,
Wishing you every happiness at Thanksgiving!
Jennifer
Would love to pass this on forward to women in my life. One just has adopted a little girl from he Philippines and to my Sister who just can’t have a child naturally maybe the fear of adoption would encourage her.
Awww! I’ve always wanted to adopt! I’m sure this is a story that will tug on the heartstrings!! ♥
I would love to win this book. My best friend and her husband feel called to adopt. They have been married for 8 years and even though they desire to conceive they have not yet. Until recently they had been closed to the idea of adoption but now know that God is calling them to this great blessing. So excited and wait with anticipation and can’t wait to rejoice in that day with them.
Dear Kristen,
It is funny (and surprising and wonderful) when you realize your path is different than the one you expected. Wishing your friends wisdom, joy, and every blessing as they move toward parenthood – however it comes to them.
Jennifer
I would love to read this book as adoption is something I’ve considered. I’ve watched others go through the ups and downs of the process and would like to learn from another story.
My daughter and son-in -law are considering adoption as they have been unable to have children biologically so far. This book would be a wonderful resource for them. Thanks for the opportunity to win a copy.
Dear MaryAnn,
Your big heart toward your sister and friend is wonderful. Wishing them both all the best as they parent – and consider parenting. They are fortunate to have an advocate in you.
Jennifer
Dear Chelsea –
Wishing you every good thing (and wisdom, insight) as you consider adoption. It really has been an incredibly joyful journey in my life. I thought about it again – about what joy it’s brought us – when tonight I came upon my two daughters (one by birth, one by adoption) giggling and hugging each other, just because they were having fun and like each other. (Of course, I ended up insisting that they let me take a picture.)
Jennifer
Dear Megan,
I hope Love You More will be a book that gives you insight into what others have gone through…of course (and I know you already know it) everyone’s journey is different. Ours isn’t a terribly dramatic story – our daughter was cared for by a loving foster mother and came home without many significant attachment or other issues. To this day, I feel like it is I – and not my daughter by adoption – who has more “issues” about her adoption. I write about that in great detail in the book. (It’s a little wince-worthy, to be honest!)
Jennifer
Dear Catherine,
What a sweet mom you are to be thinking of your daughter as she is going through this stage of her life. (We’re never done being moms, right?) She is so lucky to have you as a loving and connected mother!
Jennifer
I would LOVE to win this book! My husband and I have wanted a child/children for years and have not yet conceived. I used to view our trial of dealing with infertility as a negative, I now know that God was refining us and preparing our hearts for the call to adopt. We are nervous, excited, and at peace with God’s will for our lives.
Dear Kathryn,
Wishing you and your husband peace and all the best as you begin this journey! It sounds like you are a wise and hopeful person–great traits, especially for parenthood.
Jennifer
Sounds like a great book– I think I’ll be buying some stocking stuffers! (But winning one would be FAB!) I was able to go on a mission trip this past summer to South Africa. I had never thought about adopting, but now I pray that God will make it possible one day!
Can’t wait to read it!
Cara
I would love to win this book. I would love to buy it! I would love to give it to so many dear friends that need encouragement. I would love to share it with family members that still “don’t get it.” I would love to read it, especially if it will help me love my son even more (if that’s possible). We consider him a precious gift from the Lord and we consider him a miracle. Only God could have brought him to us in the way He did and at the exact right time!
Never thought about adoption unroll I met a coworker who adopted with her second husband and I love to hear how proud she is!!book sounds great !!
Thanks for your reply, Jennifer! And many thanks for the free book I will read and send on to my sweet daughter from you!
Dear Cara,
How wonderful that you felt drawn to adopt after your travels! Wishing you all the best!
Best,
Jennifer
Angie! Your adoption story sounds wonderful! Yes, your son is a precious gift. Wishing you a very merry Christmas!!!
Best,
Jennifer
Dear Kimberly,
Thank you! And congratulations to your coworker. It is amazing to see how God brings a family together.
All best, and merry merry!
Jennifer
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