When you don’t like something in someone else, look in the mirror because you probably do the same things.
This mantra followed me from childhood.
The weaknesses and faults of others magnify, while we remain blind to our own failings and limitations. Whenever you’re bothered, annoyed, or upset you must:
Stop. Drop. Reflect.
Ask yourself: Where does this tendency reside in your life?
The result may be self-reflection as you ponder why you’re sensitive to this issue.
The result may be repentance as you recognize an area of unforgiveness.
The result may be clarity as you recognize your limitations.
The result may be grace as you learn to love others who are different.
Stop. Drop. Reflect.
The practice remains powerful and transformative. But what about when it’s not?
Over the years, I’ve been niggled by occasional person who has gotten on my last nerve and stomped on it twice—and yet I don’t share the same struggle. We aren’t secret twinsies when it comes to weakness. Mine are different. Usually much bigger. But different nonetheless.
What then?
The cause behind person stomping on my nerves (and yours) may be caused by one of these causes:
1. Transference.
The person getting on your nerves may remind you of someone from your past. We all have the tendency to see people through the lens of previous experience resulting in both beneficial and negative outcomes.
For example, many of my closest friends share the same traits. They are outgoing, fun, light-hearted, and ready to play. They don’t have to dive deep in conversation and they’re always game to go on a caper or try some newfangled device or product on a whim.
Sometimes within a few minutes of meeting someone, I’ll look at Leif and say, “She should be my friend.” Leif will smile, “Totally.”
Often I’m transferring what I’ve experienced from the past into the new person.
But sometimes I transfer negative experiences with people from the past.
Cloud writes: “In a good way, it can cause us to be more attune to things others might miss, in that we can be vigilant in seeing hurtful patterns that we may have grown up with. But, if we have never worked those through, it can cause us either to be blind to them or to overreact when we are faced with them.”[i]
For years, I had the hardest time not showing a cold shoulder to anyone I met who shared the same name as a bully from grade school. I transferred the negative experience onto others which wasn’t fair. It’s taken years to work through. Now, I have quite a few friends named Anita. Some of whom my life is so much richer and more wonderful—thanks @AnitaRenfroe!
2. Distortion.
The person getting on your nerves may have entered your life during a time of neediness. Loneliness drove you to needing a companion. Frustration drove you to needing someone who is decisive. Anxiety drove you to needing someone who is carefree. At first, they meet your needs, then the discovery of their corresponding weaknesses becomes a source of annoyance.
I constantly have to remind myself that a person’s greatest strength is always tied to their greatest weakness. My most creative friends tend to be the least organized. My most structured friends to be the least flexible. My most passionate friends tend to be the most inwardly focused.
You may have underestimated or overestimated the person who is getting on your nerves.
But understanding the why.
Taking time to…
Stop. Drop. Reflect.
Take a look in the mirror. Consider transference. Recognize distortion.
All can help you get your how you respond back under control and equip you to show grace and love.
How do you deal with people who get on your last nerve and stomp on it twice?
[i] Cloud, Henry. Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality. Integrity Publishers. 2006. Taken from pp. 120-123
Avoidance – just being honest ?
Great reminder Margaret…thank you!
Hi Margaret!
I’m wondering…what do you think about the third option of self-protection/boundaries? What if someone’s behavior does remind me of, say, my ex-husbands disrespect for humanity or my mom’s need to be in control of absolutely everything? And it happens so often that I’m just constantly frustrated when with this person. Can’t it also be an option to let that relationship go?
Erin
Yikes! This just came up in my family today…that I was less than kind to someone recently because she “annoys” me…and I reacted by feeling defensive!!! But the reality is…was my impatience a Christ-like response? Nope. So it leaves me asking myself…just who do I think I am to be so easily annoyed. (This person wasn’t mistreating people or being hateful in anyway….) I have so far to go in my walk with Him…grace…I need it by the bucket but dispense it by the teaspoon. I do love how He gets my attention tho.
Great insight! I loved the part about transference. It’s so important to be honest, self aware and truly take the time to reflect.
AMEN, Denise!
Hi Erin! What a great question. Brings up the grey-area of this topic. I would so recommend reading both Integrity and Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud. You will learn SO MUCH.
Love you, friend!
I have a co-worker who doesn’t even work in the same area, yet he manages to follow me around and regale me with his musings on how hot our other co-workers are. He also whines incessantly. How can I sidestep this really annoying man?
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