Emily T. Wierenga is an award-winning journalist, columnist, artist, author, founder of The Lulu Tree and blogger at www.emilywierenga.com. Her work has appeared in many publications, including Relevant, Charisma, Desiring God, The Gospel Coalition, Christianity Today, Dayspring’s (in)courage and Focus on the Family. She is the author of six books including the travel memoir Atlas Girl and speaks regularly about her journey with anorexia. She lives in Alberta, Canada, with her husband, Trenton, and their children. For more info, please visit www.emilywierenga.com. Find her on Twitter or Facebook.
We make it to church, again, on a Sunday when I’ve forgotten to put on my makeup and everyone can see where I’ve cried, the tears crusted on my skin, because Sunday mornings are like that.
Me in the shower, feeling the hot water down my back and then four boys, knocking on the door. Because heaven forbid Mommy have a shower without them.
“Just five minutes!” I cry, and Trent enters, tells me I actually only have five minutes before church is going to start and should he just take them without me, then?
I shake my head through the water, put a hand on the glass to hold myself up. “I’m coming,” I say hoarsely. Because I want to go. I want to meet Jesus.
I want to meet him in the songs, in the sermon, in the farmers’ faces around me.
Jesus has always been safe because he healed the sick, who hung out with sinners, died for me, but his Father allowed so many to be killed and hurt in the Old Testament and had such hard rules. I don’t know how they are the same God and so I speak to Jesus as much as possible but I know, deep down, I need more.
And the older I get, the more of a mother I become, the greater I understand why Dad shut the office door and lost himself in the computer for hours at a time and didn’t come home until late from church, because being unable to fix your children is difficult.
But that little girl still cries. The one inside me, with the mushroom cut and the plastic glasses and the pink sweat pants.
The same girl who was asked to speak with her dad just one year ago at a conference, pregnant with Kasher. We were asked to talk about our healing journey through anorexia, and then Dad said something about the calories in the food at breakfast, the morning we were supposed to talk. I just shoved back my breakfast chair and walked away, for him not remembering that I used to be anorexic, that I used to count calories like I counted my ribs, and I did not want to go up on that stage and share about our journey through anorexia together.
But first, there was worship. Two hundred men and women and teens in one room, singing songs to God. I stood in the back with Mum and Dad and I closed my eyes and I saw heaven. And Jesus was standing there, and I was a little girl running towards him. I wore a white dress and he picked me up, and he swung me around, and he told me over and over how beautiful I was.
“Your ankles are beautiful, your legs are beautiful, your waist and your arms and your neck are beautiful, and I love you Emily Theresa Wierenga.”
I didn’t want him to let me go but the song stopped and I opened my eyes, and then the next song started and I closed them again. And in my mind, I was back in heaven. And I was still a little girl in a white dress. But I was hiding behind a tree, not wanting to disturb Jesus, because he’s the Creator of the Universe. And I’m just me.
And I was the same girl who stood outside her father’s closed office door knocking, wondering if he would have time for her but not wanting to disturb him.
And then I heard it. Jesus’ voice, calling for me.
He was searching in bushes, behind trees, looking everywhere.
Jesus Christ, the Creator of the universe, was looking for me.
And I knew, in that moment, that I was loved. I was wanted, not for any reason other than the fact that I was created. And I found the courage to forgive my dad, all over again, and to see him for the broken man he was who tried to love and who was willing to stand up on that stage and share his story of watching his daughter starve herself.
And afterwards, we sang a song together, me playing the guitar, my father’s beautiful tenor rising with my alto. We sounded good together.
It’s Sunday, now. I step out of the shower, find a pair of wrinkled dress pants, a necklace and shirt and the boys are all in their white church shirts and little dress pants, waiting at the door.
And we go to church and I hand out juice boxes and granola bars to the boys lined up in a row, and then I take Trent’s hand.
And in front of me is a little girl with long blond hair and a white dress. She’s sitting beside her grandma, but when she begins to cry in the middle of the service her grandfather takes her into his arms. He’s a big burly man, who barely fits in the seat but he looks down at her with such tenderness, and she leans her head against his chest.
And I begin to sob, quietly, in my seat.
This excerpt is taken from Emily Wierenga’s new memoir (the sequel to ATLAS GIRL), Making It Home: Finding My Way to Peace, Identity and Purpose. Order HERE.
This week we are giving away THREE copies of Emily Wierenga’s new book, Making it Home: Finding My Way to Peace, Identity and Purpose. To enter, simply comment on this post. The winners will be selected on Friday.
reading this excerpt brought back the memories for me! I sought shelter in the church when my dad was stuck to the TV–and God met me in His house, with His people, and filled my need as food or control never could.
I just began reading Emily ‘ s book, “Chasing Silhouettes “. I am a mother of a beautiful girl trying to recover from anorexia. It nearly took her life last Spring. It’s wonderful to see Emily’s story. It gives me perspective, hope, help, and encouragement. Thankful for godly people who share their own struggles.
Lovely post. Thank you for sharing.
From one tear-stained church girl to another, this was so good for my heart. Church sometimes feels like the hardest place to go, the hardest place to be when I am falling apart, and yet, where I want to be all at once. I’m grateful to feel my heart breathe, “me too” as I read this.
Emily, this is beautiful. I can’t wait to read this book.
I would love to read this memoir. I’ve been away from church for decades, but I’m now sticking my toe back into the water. At this point, I’m just searching for the right small group, with a church attached to it, rather than hoping for a church that will be all-things. Still searching for fellowship, ‘though….
as a parent to 5, I can’t imagine struggling through something like this with a child, not knowing what to do or say, with nothing YOU can do yourself to fix it and make it all right. Already I’m experiencing push-back from my young daughter and my heart aches at the gap there is between us and she’s not even a pre-teen. It’s my hope and prayer that we can make it through the hard years and grow closer to each other rather than father apart. I don’t want any of my kids to ever look back and have such hurt in their hearts from something I’ve done, or not done, but I know that the reality is I am a very imperfect person and parent and there will be many mistakes I make along the way that will require grace from my children to forgive as well as grace from God to overcome. This is a good message to know that hopefully we can all get past those hurts!
So beautiful – I obviously have some reading to do as I’ve not yet read Atlas Girl. Going to Amazon now!
Thank you for sharing some of this story. A reminder of ongoing need to recognize and embrace God’s love for us.
Thanks for being transparent; something I am trying to become more and more as we travel this journey together. There is no time for secrets; this earthly life too short and all of us so very broken. All of us.
That was powerful, oh yes Jesus!
Tears stream down my face because I know that God led me to read this tonight in my brokenness. This ministered to me and I’m so grateful!
I remember Emily from Imperfect Prose. Such a kind and gentle spirit. So many of us can relate to needing to not give up on church– there are times in my life when that battle has had to be fought hard.
Emily is such a gifted writer. It warms my heart to see her succeeding in her craft. Thank you for featuring her here.
Good morning! It is Sunday and I go back and read some emails about stifling the Holy Spirit and finding rest and I open this one. I am amidst my grandchildren tumbling around playing… noisy and laughing the morning after a sleepover. I think that we should have gotten up earlier and gone to Mass this morning even though they are both 3 1/2 and I am exhausted. I look forward to going to evening Mass which lately seems to be the only time I am making for soul rest. I often cannot hold back the tears as I finally feel His Presence without interruption or distraction. Tears of sadness blend with tears of joy as I release the days behind me and embrace the hope of the days ahead. Thank you for sharing this post…God bless!
That was a really good post. I’m not exactly sure why, but I identified with the author so much. I
love the visuals of the little girl in the white dress in heaven and Jesus is searching for her. It’s something I feel I need to spend some time in prayer about.
Thank you.
The Father’s love is so strong! As a mother of 4 sons life can be very full at times, but I also miss the days when they were little 🙂
So touching. Thank you for posting. I pray this book gets into the hands of those who need to hear God’s story of working in the lives of broken people. Bless you for sharing.
Once again, Emily finds the words to convey such deeply personal and painful moments of her life and then discovering their hidden beauty. Whenever I read her blog, I feel like I am catching a glimpse of what she felt. I always marvel at her ability to draw me in like that. Even though I haven’t had the same life experiences, there is always something I can relate to. In this piece, it was her perception of the Old Testament God, and Jesus. I struggled with the same issue most of my life. Then she describes the vision of being in Heaven and Jesus is looking for her; such a beautiful image! Then, because of her relationship with her father growing up, raising her own children and then her vision, she has this epiphany about these different facets of God. The result – she feels deeply loved by the Creator of everything, in spite of her own brokenness, which allows her to forgive her dad in the midst of his. What an extraordinary lesson on love and forgiveness!
What a lovely, powerful excerpt of her story. I would be blessed to read more. Thanks for sharing.
What a beautiful reminder of who really matters.
I don’t often admit how difficult it can be for me to be at church, especially since my husband is the one preaching. But when we see the way God is moving in hearts and changing lives, I am so thankful for a front row seat. Thank you, Emily, for such an honest look into your soul.
I too, hide behind the tree, afraid to disturb God and at the same time long for Him to pick me up and twirl me around. For as long as I remember I have suffered under worries of inadequacy and fear that I just can’t do enough of everything. I want to be comfortable and I feel Jesus wishing that for me as well. How do we get there? How does it feel to just feel right in your own skin? Recently I moved to Holland and all of these feelings are coming back to the surface. Feelings of not being good enough in language or good enough to serve due to all of the mistakes I have ever made… And I pray for it to get better, but it stays. Either I am not letting it go or it’s there for a reason but I am still working that out.
Based on the number of comments I can see this story has touched many already. I too am struggling to find my place in church again. Would love to read this book!
The line she wrote “because being unable to fix your children is difficult’. My heart ached when I read that line…
If our kids only knew how much we pray, how much we are tormented by what the world throws at them, when all they have to do is reach for Jesus…. It’s an honor to have these children to be on my knees for them, but you it is a job that can make you weary.
So her brokenness coming through in this writing is so relatable and much appreciated. We all need to be reminded no matter our age or the level of our hardship that God is there and he is so in love with who He made us to be…
Beautiful! I want to read more.
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