When we’re in a precarious place, some things are better off unsaid:
“Oh, my brother went through the same exact thing once.”
“Honey, you’re still young. This won’t be the worst thing ever.”
And then there’s my most un-favorite:
“Remember, God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
Really?
When we’re in a critical circumstance it’s understandable that others don’t know what to say, but the last thing we should be told is something untruthful.
“God won’t give you more than you can handle” is not in the Bible, just like, “Grandma is an angel up in heaven now,” and “God helps those who help themselves.”
Promoting ideas that skew the truth don’t help anyone in any kind of pain.
God allows us to go through extremely difficult circumstances, even to the point of grave danger. Remember these stories:
- The disciples were in a storm on the Sea of Galilee and cried out to Jesus because they were certain they were going to drown.
- A woman bled out for twelve years, and had suffered much after walking away anemic and without answers from many doctors.
- Even the prophet Elijah couldn’t stand up to Ahab and Jezebel’s death threats and ran for his life. When the angel found him in the wilderness he even said, “This journey is too much for you.”
Another story in Acts 19 tells us that when Paul was in Ephesus, he didn’t just find himself in a city-wide riot, but he caused it. Here in the U.S. we’re fairly acquainted with riots. From L.A. to Ferguson to Baltimore, we know how tensions can rise when value systems clash. Paul was right in the middle of that kind of violence.
At that time in Ephesus the worship of Artemis was housed in a temple 425 feet long by 220 feet wide by 60 feet high. Highly valued, everyone knew it best not to step on the toes of her worshipers.
But when Christianity spread, cultures collided. In Acts 19:23 we’re told that the silver, idol-casting business experienced a dip in sales. Paul and the believers received unwanted, menacing attention. A religious panic ensued.
In the middle of it all I don’t think anyone walked up to Paul and said, “You know, this might look bad right now, but God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
Paul stood in the midst of a brawl. The mob wreaked havoc. This was far more than Paul could handle.
In 2 Corinthians 1:8-10, Paul says, “I thought I was going to die.”
Our circumstances will be more than we can handle.
Paul experienced encompassing, overwhelming, despair. Paul thought to himself, “This is where it all ends.”
How did the Apostle Paul thrive in this?
He relied on the God, who raises the dead.
That’s the enormous kind of faith that comes to those who’ve experienced the worst kinds of situations.
Once you’ve been through that kind of experience—the one where the chemo injection goes awry, where the accident crushes all your bones, where the fire sweeps through your house and traps you inside—and you come out, by some miracle, alive, you believe a whole new set of rules.
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God is present and powerful.
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God makes the rules.
Reflecting back on this experience Paul still feels the cold chill of death just thinking about it. The perfect tense of the verb he uses gives us an ongoing sense that he “receives” and relives his near-death experience. It’s an experience you can never forget. In that moment, you learned that you cannot rely on yourself. Your power has limits.
Only God.
Our gravest sufferings are the places in which we encounter God. That’s the beauty and horror of Jesus.
He doesn’t take away our pain, but he lives with us in it. We engage our faith like Paul when we trust him to bring us back to life.
What is one of the worst things someone has said to you during a time of crisis?
(We’re all guilty of it, let’s learn from one another so only life-giving words leave our lips).
Such a great post. I’ve slipped in doing this myself unintentionally, but the one that probably makes me cringe the most when I hear it is…”He or she is in a better place.”
I actually was told “people die and you just need to get over it!” This was said to me upon the death of my husband!! I had no idea the level of envious jealous hate that was so close to my life in my marriage!! I fully understand the life threatening dangers when Christianity comes into contact with full blown evil.
The only thing worse than people trying to talk you out of how you feel (“don’t be upset.” “Look on the bright side.”) is when they feel compelled to defend or explain God. In times of crisis, you don’t need theology. You need love and compassion and a hand to hold.
Dear Margaret,
This post is so True! I always cringe when someone says that God won’t give us more than we can handle. Where does that lie come from? The truth is that God won’t give us more than HE can handle!
The last thing I wanted to hear, was when the pain of betrayal was fresh, a minister told me I needed to forgive. That was not what I needed to hear just then. It was too soon. We must give people time to grieve, and time to heal.
“What did you do to get cancer?” I think was the worst thing I’ve heard after they listened to the doctor give me the news that my cancer had spread. I have received all the other well meaning sympathies. Until I experienced the C I didn’t know what to say either. At times with friends that get bad news I have to stop and pray before saying anything.
I had some family members send me articles of how diet coke causes cancer after I was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma. I love diet coke. Even though this cancer was not caused by anything I did these people basicallyc ast blame on me. It was super painful to deal with as I was processing everything else
Any statement that starts: God will… or God is going to… heal you, take way your pain, restore your wayward child, etc…
I’m sorry, don’t tell me what God is going to do…I’m aware that he CAN do all of those things but telling me that He IS going to do them, please don’t do that. I makes me want to poke you in the eye 🙂
xoxo
Like Denise said, one person asked my husband, “What did you do to get that?” when he shared he had been diagnosed with lymphoma. I’m sure I’ve said some perfectly awful things too. The best is when someone just says, “I’m so sorry.” or simply holds your hand and cries with you.
I love this article. Truly I do. The research, the experience, the truth of it all comes together magnificently. Thank you.
The worst thing anyone said to me was, “Why aren’t you over it yet?” 3 DAYS after my grandma had died. Second to that was, “It was God’s will.” I disagree. God never willed death. It is the consequence of sin, yes, but He died to redeem that. Third was “Has he repented?”
Thank you for speaking out. I’m sharing this.
The worst for me recently is “God has something better for you.” Really? How do you know? Where are the promises that when you ‘lose’ something good that something ‘better’ is ahead?
Do I trust God’s provision? Yes. Do I trust that there will be something good again (someday)? Yes. Am I promised that because something ‘good’ was taken that something ‘better’ will take its’ place? I’m not so sure. (And then of course, there’s the implication that I shouldn’t mourn what was lost because there’s something better ahead anyway.)
Oh, and “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”
Right on–what if that something better that God has for you is more painful than the thing you thought you couldn’t make it through? And…I’m not stronger because of my present pain or weakness! But–be there for me, offer tod do something to lift my spirits like keep me company, drive me to appointments, etc…..
A few months after we buried our six month old, an older well-meaning family member told me, “Since I’m older, I have a good chance of going to heaven to be with Annie before you.” I was absolutely crushed. And while it felt wrong theologically, I didn’t have the brain power to talk to her. I just went to my room and cried. I’ll often have people who will tell me that their grandma/mom/uncle/etc. is up in heaven with my daughter, and I get this mental picture of a whole bunch of white haired ladies sitting in rocking chairs, passing around all the babies who have died. I used to get so angry when someone told me that… but now after a few years and a lot of forgiveness, when someone tells me that, I just shake my head. When I think of my girl, I want her to be with JESUS, living fully and completely healed with Him. People want so badly to say something, so the most ridiculous things come out of their mouths. Sometimes I correct them, sometimes I let it go. Grieving takes more grace than I ever imagined.
Thanks for this much needed post.
The worst thing said to me during a crisis was, “God’s just preparing you for something even harder than this” Ugh! Just kill me now and put me out of my misery if something even worse is all I have to look forward to! And now, I’m at the ‘something even harder’ and I don’t feel at all prepared…and I don’t tell people what I’m crying about because there really are no appropriate words.