No one every taught me that I was supposed to say this word aloud during the holiday season. I didn’t know that one word could mean so much during Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas. No one told me this one word contained so much power.
How did I miss this one word my entire life?
Not until I experienced severe loss did I begin to understand. As I describe in Fight Back With Joy, I now walk among the fellowship of the afflicted.
Perhaps you do, too.
Maybe you received the news of the diagnosis.
Faced an ongoing struggle with infertility.
Suffered through a painful miscarriage.
Received the crushing financial blow.
Discovered your spouse wasn’t being true.
Experienced a freak accident.
Had someone take something from you that you’ll never get back.
Or something worse.
If so, you, too walk among the fellowship of the afflicted.
Those who walk among the fellowship of the afflicted tend to walk tenderer, speak slower, love more intentional.
Why? Because they know the great unspeakables of pain and loss.
But even if you’ve never experienced severe suffering, you can still enter into people’s lives this holiday season with one word that will breathe life and hope and love.
Do you know the one life-giving word?
It’s the word for everyone in your life who has experienced the loss of a loved one.
A mother. A father. A grandfather. A grandmother. An uncle. An aunt. An extended family member. A friend. A coworker. A child.
During the holidays, the hole left behind from that person’s presence grows wider and deeper. The absence of the person around the Thanksgiving table, unwrapping Hanukah gifts, and sitting around a decorated tree creates a throbbing ache.
That’s true whether it’s the first year, the fifth year, the tenth year, or the fiftieth year beyond the person’s passing.
Recently, I reached out to a friend who had lost her son. I knew this was18-month anniversary of her son’s death.
“You are in my thoughts and prayers today. You are loved. And I miss Matt, too,” I wrote.
She responded with word of thanks and added, “Every 5th of the month is a mini-anniversary for his death. Thank you for remembering.”
The people who have lost loved ones in your life are having mini-anniversaries every month.
Maybe the date is the 3rd or the 11th or the 17th of the month.
Whatever the specific date, the holiday season is among the hardest for many.
If you haven’t already, go back and identify the date of the loss. Put it in your Google calendar. Reach out every month. Remind them consistently that you are praying and present.
Especially reach out during the holidays. The weeks from now until the end of the year are crucial.
The most important word you’ll speak this holiday season is the name of the person who died.
Say his name. Say her name. Every time.
I miss Matt, too.
Why? One of the greatest fears of those who have lost someone is the person will be forgotten. When you say the person’s name you echo the truth that their life matters—to us and to God.
I really miss my mom Jennifer, my grandparents Hutoka and Carl Neireiter, my aunt Judith, my Great aunt Dorothy, we always had big family get togethers and I am single so it is hard when your family has died and your alone.
Brandon
my father Vernon; my daddy Joe; my lifelong (and now afterlifelong) best friend Beverly
Grandma
My sons Luke and Jase and my father in law Harold.
I miss my father, Paul and my mother-in-law Bessie. Both very influential people in my life and both loved the holiday season. I cant help but think of them during any family gathering.
My Dad Ron…will be a year in Jan. We spent last Christmas in the hospital with him and he went to be with the Lord on the 10th. I miss him so very much…
Vernon
Howard was my husband who died 36 years ago. I still miss him.
I miss my mother, LaVerne, who died of Alzheimer’s on July 20, 2014, my niece, Katie, who died of ALS February 23, 2014, and my brother, Roger, who died most likely on his birthday February 4, 2013 (I say most probably because he was in China at the time, felt like he could not reach out to us, and most likely committed suicide on his birthday but was not found until a month later surrounded by empty vodka and pill bottles.)
I miss my sweet brother Harold so very much. He succumbed to histoplasmosis on May 24, 2015 after 44 days in the hospital. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him – miss him – and long for the day we will be at that grand table in Heaven together. I love you brother Harold.
I miss my 9 year old son David.. You see he has been in heaven a long time. In fact he is more my future then my past. But the one thing I always share is that if it was not for my son dieing and moving to Heaven I would not be saved. You see God new in all his amazing wisdom that if He would have saved my son I would have said thank you and walked away without ever giving my life to Jesus. This way we will see each other again in heaven and never have to say good by again. David your mommy loves you.
My mom, Nelma; my dad, Paul; my f-i-l, Bob; my b- in-laws, Tom and Charles; my aunt, Ruth. All of them within the last 8 years, plus my husband’s 2cousins, 3 uncles and aunts and 2 friends, Linda and Gary. Too much loss in too short of time.
My dad, Bob.
My babies, Issac & Lillian, My Mom, Freddie Joyce & my Dad who is less here than gone due to Alzhiemer’s.
Thank you for this Margaret! You are so right on.
I miss my little brother, Jose- who chose to take his own life, because he did not feel worthy- funny how I miss him more than my mom, Gladys. I am grateful that he was here for one more thanksgiving, Christmas and New year. I really wish he could have stayed. thank you Margaret for your love for us all. God bless.
Grampie<3 (grandpa) His name was mike. He was such a strong amazing man! He never showed fear and was always so giggly and happy. He was my favorite person to hug. <3
Our grandson Noah Christian Frederick who died May 28, 2015, only 7 weeks before he was due to be born.
My dad, Ike, passed away 2 months ago
21 years ago one of my best friends delivered a still-born baby she and her husband named Bryan Paul. On Bryan’s birthday every single year since I have taken her a small gift with a note that says “I remember.” She and her husband have told me that I am the only one who remembers every year, not even their parents acknowledge it, and how much it means to them. I can’t imagine NOT remembering, it seems the least I can do.
Thank you, Margaret, for writing such an important message for us all.
Love and Peace, Sandi
I miss my mom, Virginia.
My daughter Hannah, gone from this world 8 years and 8 months ago today.
Margaret, this is so beautiful and so true. It has been seven years since we lost our son, Thomas, to a traumatic head injury. We speak his name every single day. He is still our son, he’s just not physically here on earth with us – he’s in our hearts and our memories. Some memories make us laugh, some make us cry. No matter how many years go by, he is still our son. Yes, yes, yes, whenever you talk to us, SAY HIS NAME!!! It hurts more to not say it – it is like you are ignoring him. He was 1/4 of our family and he is still 1/4 of our family. We can never forget him and we don’t want you to either. Thank you so much for writing this!
Calvin
Don S.
Kenny
Don T.
Francis
Lucile
Phyllis
All family. All missed. Thank you.
My sister, Ivelin.
I miss my Mom Vicki deeply. God called her home on September 2, 2015.
The 18th – Joe
My daughter Allison (19 years old) and my grand daughter Crystal (16 months) killed in an automobile accident October 1991. “God will make everything beautiful in His time.”
My dad, Jack, left us this year way too early. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be different without him there.
Joseph, my forever nine-year-old son gone 16 years
Mitch, my beloved first husband gone 16 years
Ralph and Becky, my parents gone 12 and 6 years
Hidaddy and Granny, my maternal grandparents, gone 16 years
I miss my 9 year old son, Joseph too. He’s been in heaven for 16 years.
My mom, Betty Ray Meredith Case.
I miss my Daddy…Bill
Thank you for this post. Just what I needed this evening.
a loss felt so deeply, especially during the holidays. tell me about your dad, Bill.
What was your favorite memory with Betty?
Sweet Joseph. Missed so deeply. Tell me about him!
What a deep loss, Jennifer. What is your favorite holiday memory with your sweet dad?
Oh Deborah. What a deep loss. Praying for sweet memories of Allison and Crystal to flood your mind this week.
Thinking of Joe today, Cathy.
Still so raw. I’m so sorry for your loss, Crystal. What was your sweet momma like?
Missing Ivelin with you, Janet.
What deep holes we have without Calvin, Don, Kenny, Don, Francis, Lucile, Phyllis. May you have sweet memories of them this Thanksgiving.
Your story still gives me goosebumps, sweet Susan. <3
Thinking of you and sweet Hannah today. What was your favorite thing about her?
Tell me your favorite Thanksgiving memory of your momma.
Sandi- your consistency brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for loving so well. What you do and what you say matters.
Missing Ike today with you, Deb.
Sweet Noah- Missing him today. Praying for you and your family as you grieve this deep loss.
Mike! I would have loved to meet him. He sounds like just the ball of joy I love being around!
Praying for you, Brenda. As you grieve the loss of both Jose and Gladys. Huge hug this Thanksgiving.
Rayna– what a list of beloved in your life. Praying for you this Thanksgiving as you remember with tears in your eyes and warmth in your heart.
What was your favorite memory of your sweet dad?
Thinking of Jennifer, Hutoka, Carl, Judith, and Dorothy. And of you, Cynthia, this holiday season. Grateful for you, friend.
Tara- thinking of you and Tom as you miss Brandon this holiday season. Love you, friend.
Dana, missing Vernon, Joe, and Beverly with you.
What is your favorite memory of your sweet grandma?
Missing Luke and Jase and Harold with you, Melissa.
Thinking of Paul and Bessie this Thanksgiving. They are so missed.
Ron is so missed, Cindy. What is your favorite memory with your sweet dad?
Howard hasn’t been forgotten, Suzanne. Missing him with you today.
What was your favorite memory with Vernon?
What deep losses, Nancy. Praying for you this Thanksgiving as you miss LaVerne, Katie, and Roger.
Thinking of Harold this Thanksgiving. What was he like, Julie?
Thinking of David. What was he like?
Stacy- your sweet boy hasn’t been forgotten.
Thinking of Nelma, Bob, Tom, Charles, Ruth, Linda, Gary, and the cousins and uncles and aunts you mentioned. The table won’t be the same without them. Huge hug, Bobbi.
Katie
I miss my mom Joanne who was hit by a car and killed, while crossing the street in from of her home, one year ago. And my dad Bailey, who was our cook at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Missing them SO much this year?
Missing my dear husband, Rod, who died of cancer on Thanksgiving Day last year, November 27, 2014.
I miss my brother, Mark
I miss my ex-husband, Stephen
Even though our lovely Katie left us to be in the amazing presence of Jesus, we long for her laughter & presence constantly. She’s cradling your precious little ones until you get to hold them in your aching arms. I love Katie & miss her so. I love you too sweetie!
My Mama, Barbara Morris Dean who died 5 years ago at Thanksgiving. My Daddy, Herbert Allen Dean, Sr who died 50 years ago. My friend, Ann Marie Nebel Nassif, diagnosed with brain tumor at Thanksgiving, 1996. Died in 2000. Her sons were 6 and 4 at the time of her death. ❤️
There are many I am missing, but this year my heart feels heaviest knowing that my nephew, Morris, won’t be here. It would have been his first holiday season. He was born still in February. Our family has been blessed in many ways this year, for which we are grateful, but our hearts will always ache for the time that we didn’t get with Morris. ?
My brother Jeff… who died because of a drug overdose in January of 2014. He made the best green bean casserole that I am missing on this Thanksgiving.
Our first Thanksgiving without my grandfather, Carl. Also missing my Dad, Scott who passed in 2011.
My little sister Gerri died of ovarian cancer.
Grammy
Margaret, I just happened upon this post and though it is a few years old, I hope you see this comment and know how thankful I am for you and your ministry of JOY! Thank you for all the ways you sharing your journey has brought healing and comfort to my spirit. You are a lighthouse shining Jesus’ light brightly into o dark world.
My mom is Judi and this is my sixth Christmas without her and I still feel a bit lost trying to navigate the holidays and all the emotion that comes with them.
God bless you and your family this Christmas!!
Thank you, sweet Lisa, for your words of encouragement. Praying that as you remember your mom you are filled with hope & joy this season. Hugs!
I miss my grandparents, Ardith & Ernie, Lawrence & Harriet. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
My Granny Delma Jean died in September just short of her 88th birthday. She had 5 kids and tons of grandbabies and a hubby that are all missing her .
My Nephew, Austin
Daniel.
My baby brother died 5 years ago and his birthday is three days after Christmas. Didn’t expect him to be gone at 40.
He or she didn’t have a name yet but would have been two months old in Dec. The “first Christmas” that was only a broken dream.
I see this article is a report from 2015, but still I understand Cynthia! I, too, being single struggle as loved ones have passed and the holidays get harder and harder. This was the 10th Christmas since my mom passed, 9th since Aunt Rae and my father is in a nursing home and sleeps most of the time. I have spent the past 2 days alone except for lunch-time hour and a half with my dad. My sister is a recluse and my brother and his family travel to Florida for 2 weeks every year since my mother’s passing…this has been my loneliest Christmas in 10 years. I am thankful that I have a relationship with Christ and know Hope! I can’t imagine life without this…understand this is the reason suicide increases this time of year. Prayers to all!