I was furious with Leif last week.
We were driving home from the airport when the car in front of us started cruising 20 miles per hour below the speed limit in the fast lane. The vehicle refused to move into the slow lane.
Leif flashed his lights.
The driver slowed even more. In frustration, Leif drove around him in the slow lane.
Understandable.
Except the driver responded by slamming his foot on the gas and tailgating us. For miles.
Leif moved faster. Slower. Moved to the other lanes.
Wherever we moved, the car followed a few feet behind our bumper.
Twenty miles later he was still on our bumper.
Images of a road-rager with a gun—which isn’t unreasonable here in Colorado—flashed through my mind.
Anger overcame me. How did Leif allow this to happen after a long, brutal day of travel?
“Let’s drive to the police station,” I suggested.
“Let me see if I can shake him,” Leif suggested.
Leif swerved from the fast lane to the slowest placing a semi-truck between us and the other driver, then jetted off an exit ramp. Leif lost the other car. But he didn’t lose my anger.
I’m usually quick to forgive Leif. Not this time. I couldn’t let go. The sun set and rose on my anger.
By mid-morning the next day, I knew I needed to forgive. Not because Leif had done the unspeakable. But because I had.
I had refused to forgive.
Unforgiveness casts dark shadows on the soul.
One of my heroes, Frederick Buechner, captures this eloquently when he writes in Wishful Thinking:
“To forgive somebody is to say one way or another, ‘You have done something unspeakable, and by all rights I should call it quits between us. Both my pride and my principles demand no less. However, although I make no guarantees that I will be able to forget what you’ve done, and though we may both carry the scars for life, I refuse to let it stand between us. I still want you for my friend.’”
Buechner explains that accepting forgiveness means admitting you’ve done something “unspeakable.” You need to be forgiven. Both parties must swallow their pride.
“When somebody you’ve wronged forgives you, you’re spared the dull and self-diminishing throb of a guilty conscience,” he writes. “When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride.”
The road to forgiveness isn’t easy. Yet it leads to freedom, peace, and gratitude for each other’s presence.
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful ways we fight back with joy.
In Fight Back With Joy book and Bible study, I share how some of the most powerful words that I ever spoke were:
I forgive.
Forgive me.
Thank you.
These words look small, but they’re mighty. Chains break. Heaviness lifts. Levity returns. Joy bubbles.
Today, you can fight back with joy. Who do you need to forgive? Where do you need to swallow your pride? And regain a friendship?
(RSS Subscribers, click here to view.)
Wow, from a male point of view Leif did nothing wrong and nothing to forgive. He wanted to pass someone who was obstinate and created a problem. Perhaps it wasn’t the best method but it was not unreasonable. The fact that the other driver then became an idiot further muddied the water.
Yes forgiveness, but support for your husband I don’t read into this. Honestly the anger I read from your husbands side is when you decided to not support him. More then likely at that point he’s mad but also trying to get out of the “road” situation the other driver forced on him.
Were there better methods of course but being a Monday morning quarterback on another’s marriage would be foolish of me. One of many better approaches would have been a “honey I’d be mad too” how do we solve this and get on with our day.
You’ve done better, you’ll do better again. Based on your topic, I suspect my response may be a wee bit different then what you expected.
Forgiveness, of course… but what have you both done to neatly wrap this up and move on, i.e. restitution and restoration?
When I read this, my reaction was similar to that of Jim in the above comment. After reflecting, I have to remember that just because *I* think someone has no reason to be upset, that doesn’t make them *not* upset. And how I react to their anger has a dramatic impact on both the issue and the relationship.
Boechner is a good mentor to pull from here. You’ve got to keep the end in sight, and it has to be a reasonable end.
I’m sure Leif forgives you, Margaret 😉
Funny how sometimes it’s the little things that suddenly explode into much bigger things… and the crack in the relationship takes a hit and widens… God showed us how to mirror His perfect bridge – forgiveness – through sacrifice. I love that you sacrificed your feeling right about something to make amends with the hubby, and in turn, those parts of your heart gained His joy once more!
I think it just shows the difference between how a woman would react in a given situation. I think our irritation to our spouse is a symptom of a underlying problem.
I don’t think this is a man/woman situation, and I would have done like Leif did, but regardless, Margaret was mad and had to deal with forgiving. Good points in this post!
Thank you Margaret for sharing this. You continue to be an incredible blessing to so many! Whether I agree or disagree with Leif’s actions, or your reactions, the truth you shared about the importance of forgiveness is spot on! Blessings to you sweet friend! – From all of us at Renewal, we love and miss you!
Judy
I have also been hanging on to unforgiveness in a situation where my flesh feels like the other person needs some consequences or to feel pain for their choices, but unless God intervenes it is not going to happen. The word I chose to focus on for this year is ‘surrender’ but I am finding it much harder to trust God and surrender my rights in this situation than I thought I would. Working through this but not quite there yet.
Wouldn’t the person to forgive here be the other driver? That driver could be charged with aggressive driving in some states. Anyway I thought it would end with a twist and wouldn’t it be strange to see that driver in church someday? I didn’t really get why your husband made you angry here – perhaps there was more to the story. Maybe a part 2 of how to handle these road situations would help (it happened to me also).