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The Biggest Mistake of Caregivers

by | 70 comments

Margaret and Leif Oines

My husband, Leif, never imagined after a decade of marriage that he’d wake up and find his role had shifted from spouse to caregiver.

In the wake of a difficult diagnosis, he spent long hours driving me to hundreds of doctors’ appointments, watched me endure brutal medical treatments, and took over countless everyday tasks when I could no longer care for myself.

Leif has been my rock through the past painful 15 months. But, as any caregiver understands, it hasn’t come without a price. You’ll catch glimpses of this in the Fight Back With Joy and Bible study releasing January 6. Pre-order your copy today and receive some awesome gifts.

I asked Leif to share a bit of his wisdom:

What do you wish someone had told you earlier about being a caregiver?

Take care of yourself. If you don’t have anything in the tank then you aren’t any good as a caregiver. Take time off and time away to recharge your mind, body, and emotions.

Don’t assume what they need. The assumptions you make about the other person and your usual roles will have to adjust.

After the first few years of marriage, our household tasks had settled. Margaret took over the laundry, in part, because so many of her clothes needed special handling. Though I offered to do laundry during treatment, she clung to it because it allowed her a sense of normalcy. However, my clothing paid the price. Most of my whites aren’t white anymore. A few are even pink.

Anticipate that the roles and functions of the relationship will change, but rather than assume what you need to take over, communicate with your loved one.

What are some of the common mistakes of caregivers?

Not sharing how you’re feeling. You need to have people to talk to other than the person you’re caring for about the situation and how you’re processing.

Forgetting to do the things that bring you joy. When you take care of yourself you have more to give. Make time each week to do something that fills you—whether that’s cooking a gourmet meal, watching your favorite show, taking a walk in your neighborhood, or joining a rec sports team.

Slip into unhealthy food habits and stop exercising. If you aren’t healthy, you can’t help anyone. Be intentional to get the rest, fuel, and exercise you need to maintain your health and well-being.

Joyful Days

What is one unexpected gift that you’ve seen from caregiving?

Serving someone who really can’t serve me back. It is an amazing opportunity to live a little bit more unselfishly than I ever would have before. I don’t know what it would look like after 30 years of caregiving but I am grateful for the chance to be a more of a servant than I was before my wife’s diagnosis.

In Fight Back With Joy, Leif offers practical advice, wisdom, and encouragement for you or someone you know who has been thrust into a caregiving situation. We pray this book and Bible study will be a blessing and source of strength to not only people facing crisis, but for those who love them, too.

What encouragement do you have for someone who is a caregiver?

*Original Photo Source

Be someone who rises above endless demands and become more winsome, cheerful, and thankful through Margaret’s new book and Bible study, Fight Back With Joy: Regret Less. Celebrate More. Stare Down Your Greatest Fears. Click here to purchase your copy.

70 Comments

  1. Lesley
    Lesley on December 19, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Thank you for sharing this, Margaret (and Leif!)

    The biggest things I learned in my season of cancer caregiving are:

    1. See a counselor, even if you don’t think you need to.
    2. Encourage your spouse/other person to have someone besides you that they’re sharing with (whether that’s a counselor or close friend.)
    3. Don’t feel guilty receiving help. Just because you’re a caregiver doesn’t mean you need to do everything. We had regular housecleaning and meals when my husband was sick and it allowed me to not be bitter/overwhelmed/tired from caregiving which in turn allowed me to be there for him in ways he really needed.

    Also, the best thing a friend ever said to me, when I was worn down from being “the caregiver” was, “Lesley, you’re his wife first, then his caregiver. Don’t forget that.”

  2. Janet from FL
    Janet from FL on December 20, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Dear Caregivers,
    Your kindness is appreciated. When you take care of us, you make us feel safe. When we cannot take care of ourself, we feel vulnerable and scared. When you are there to fill every need, we can trust and relax into your care. We can rest and gain strength. We can forget worries. We can pray and come closer to God. Thank you, Caregivers. You are angels in disguise as our spouse, or daughter, or friend, or mother, or nurse … You are caregivers, and we ask God to bless and protect you.
    With love and appreciation,
    Those who are or have been seriously ill
    (I am a cancer survivor. My husband was my caregiver for 4 years, and in some ways, still is.)

  3. Leif
    Leif on December 22, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Love your comments Lesley – I mention some similar things in the book 🙂

    In fact, both Margaret and I had 5 people that we were allowed to talk with about anything at anytime! And we definitely took advantage of some great professional help when it came to counseling and house cleaning.

    Merry Christmas!
    Leif

  4. Leif
    Leif on December 22, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    That’s a beautiful note Janet – thank you!

    And huge props to your husband from one caregiver to another 🙂

    Merry Christmas,
    Leif

  5. Margie Hoffman. johnson
    Margie Hoffman. johnson on December 30, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    How I wish my husband had some of these resources earlier. The second day after I got home from the hospital from back surgery- not even life threatening – just very limited mobility for a while- he walked out. He said ” I’m sorry, I can’t do this ” and he left. God who is rich in mercy propped me up and held me. I was scared – so scared and i prayed for my husband who is a godly loving man who just got overwhelmed. But also scared of how I’d function with my limited mobility . He came back 2 days later- a changed person – a changed heart after spending some time alone with The Lord. I had to have the surgery repeated 2 weeks later due to infection- he says God gave him a do over. I think that’s true. It was tough but worth it to handle this recovery in a God honoring way. 3 times a day for months my husband washed and dressed my wound. He did it with excellence and gentleness and love. I have never felt more loved by my husband since that happened. It was a turning point in our marriage

  6. Leif
    Leif on December 30, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    Wow Margie – our God is a God of second chances and your story is an amazing example of that! I’m always amazed at how God is with us in the midst of really difficult times so thank you for sharing your story since I’m confident that it’s a situation that God will be able to use to direct people to relationship with Him for years to come 🙂

  7. Kimberly Nyborg
    Kimberly Nyborg on March 9, 2015 at 10:51 am

    Margaret and Leif, thank you for these insights.

    This is the second winter we have had my mom living with us and she has intestinal health issues and vision loss so I have my work cut out for me. My advise is to ‘let it go!’ When the coffee is spilled for the upteenth time on the rug and her little table like it did this morning making me late for work, I just say its okay momma. My Elsa laps up the sweetened spilling and I get the norwex cloth and soak ‘r up.

    I just have to trust that my little, barely five foot tall momma who at barely 90 lbs, came to northern minnesota from Orlando FL to meet Jesus. We continue to pray trusting in His perfect plan for her!

    Bless you and may you continue His good work!

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