No matter how close the relationship. No matter how long the relationship. No matter how deep the spiritual and personal ties.
Conflict remains inevitable.
Sooner or later you will disagree with those you love, those you serve, those you work along side.
When this happens among strong spiritual leaders, messy conflict and residual impact can leave us disappointed and disillusioned. But conflict handled well leads to growth, deeper bonds, and renewed trust.
In today’s #LENTCHALLENGE reading of Acts 15, we find a dynamic duo running headstrong into each other. We’ve had hints this was coming.
(NOTE: Click here to download a FREE one-page reading guide of Luke and Acts. or upgrade to the downloadable ebook called The 40-Day Live Lent Challenge: A Color Method Study for Luke-Acts for only $8.99. This 200-plus page booklet includes: a welcome letter, the reading plan, instructions on how to use the Color Bible Study Method, ideas on how to get the most from your study, creative artwork, and space to journal and doodle.)
The issue appears simple. Barnabas wants to take John Mark on his next journey. Paul hesitates, recalling Mark had defected from a previous trip. Paul felt John Mark might do it again.
Barnabas was willing to take the risk, in part, because he had a vested interest: John Mark is his cousin (Col. 4:10).
When Paul says he “does not count it wise” to bring John Mark, the Greek word suggests that the idea of bringing John Mark has been counted unworthy. The contention is palpable. Paul speaks in angry irritation, exasperation.
The result is a separation. Two missionary expeditions begin rather than one. Barnabas falls to the wayside and the spotlight follows Paul for the remainder of his missionary trips.
Yet Philemon 24 shows that Paul didn’t hold a grudge against John Mark. First Corinthians 9:6 shows Paul’s continued respect. Today’s reading reminds us:
Conflict will try to bring the worst out of you, but it doesn’t have to get the best of you.
How do you become better skilled at handling conflict:
1. Remember the issue is never the issue.
For Paul, the issue of bringing John Mark wasn’t about making room for another companion. The Apostle’s concerns ran much deeper. Sometimes finding those deeper reasons requires asking gentle questions in order to identify the real issue, the real source of conflict. Once exposed, the issue often becomes easier to address and sometimes disappears altogether.
2. Remember people are not problems.
Moments of conflict can cause us to blur the line between the problem and the person. We may start to see the person as the problem. Whenever this happens, be blind ourselves to the solution and create an atmosphere that can cause long term pain and hurt. Whenever a person becomes a problem, step back to regain your composure through prayer and reflection.
3. Remember to address conflict at ideal times.
Though an issue brands itself in your heart, if you speak out of that searing place, you’ll speak words you can’t take back. Get a good night’s sleep. Write out a gentle way to communicate your concern. Develop three solutions to suggest. Make sure you let the person know early in the conversation that you are for them, not against them, and you’re confident that together you can find a workable solution.
What are your tips for working out conflict with those you love? Is there a difficult conversation or relationship we could be praying for? Leave a comment below.
Margaret, this is SO helpful! I found out years ago that my conflict response is peacemaking, which (in this context) is not a good thing – more an attempt to gloss over what is going on, for the sake of an artificial peace. Now I have some wonderful insights to use in any conflict. (I caught myself just recently doing exactly what you said: making the person the problem.) Thanks again.
I love this <3 The one thing I've found so helpful in conflict is to make sure that I am willing (not just rationally) to admit that I am also at fault or may have contributed to the conflict in unhelpful ways. So not just a "I'm-sorry-that-I-said-that-but-you-are-more-wrong" kind of way, but an "I'm sorry that I said that and that it hurt you. I was wrong, please forgive me kind of way."
Thank you for this post today. I purchased the Lent coloring book but have not been diligent. I appreciate your practical, spiritual tips on handling conflict. I can see that, sometimes, separation is necessary. I can also see how the person should not be my focus but the problem should be. Please pray for guidance. I have taken a break from my service in a ministry at church due to a hurtful situation where I feel that rules and procedures are being placed before children and their hearts. I have been reminded that, while Christ was indignant and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them,” it is important to pray against a bitter root. I am not sure where He is leading me through this but I appreciate your godly wisdom and offer to pray. Thank you.
In looking at this chapter, what I picked up was that sometimes conflict arises because we have different personalities and as a result we view people around us and the world in general differently. If one looks at the meaning of the name Barnabas, it means the one who encourages. I believe that Barnabas, in trying to prevent John Mark from being excluded in this mission, was just living up to his name by voicing his opinion that John Mark be given a second chance. When Paul was a recent convert and the disciples were wary of him, it was Barnabas who convinced the others to accept Paul as part of Jesus’ ministry. Being encouraging means that even when people have time and again shown you the worst of themselves, you still believe in the good that is in them or that you believe is still in them so that they may in turn, hopefully, see their own good and beauty. Isn’t that what our faith calls us to do for others, that is what Jesus did for us when He died on the cross. Unfortunately, we don’t hear much about Barnabas after this but it would have been interesting to see what the developments in his story were.
I hate conflict and so avoid it at all costs. I know this is not good so prayers for me to be brave enough to face conflict and how to handle it in a Godly way would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Love this perspective! It would definitely be interesting to learn more about Barnabas.
I have been mulling over how to handle a recent conflict with a good friend. I found this article helpful and encouraging, along with other advice God has sent my way. Luckily I have some time to determine how to approach this. I, too, realized a quick response could destroy our friendship with unwise words, so waiting, praying, and working out possible responses ahead of time is the path I am taking. Thanks for valuable advice, Margaret.
Would love prayers for a difficult season of marital conflict.
There is one area of our marriage where my husband has grown very angry, resentful and discouraged. I would like prayer for his anger and discouragement. I would like prayer for creative resolutions and renewed love, romance and understanding.
So glad you found a useful nugget here. Prayers for continued growth in the midst of conflict. Hugs!
Margaret
Great insight! So good to recognize the difference.
Margaret
I pray that as you journey through this difficult situation, that He would guide you and also grow you. The growth and learning can be painful, but oh, so good!
Hugs!
Margaret
I love that you pointed that out! So very interesting, right? Thanks for adding to the conversation!
Hugs!
Margaret
I pray that during the next conflict, that you would lean in and rely on God to carry you through! Growth will happen.
Hugs!
Margaret
Janet, I pray that time will give you the words to use and the patience & love with which to address the conflict.
Hugs,
Margaret
Prayers, sweet Lucy. May God be present in the midst of conflict. Hugs!
Margaret
Prayers for you and your husband to find reconciliation and peace again, Alee! May God draw near as you seek Him. Hugs!
Margaret
I just read 2Timothy 4 and Paul asks Timothy to come to him with Mark because Mark is helpful in Paul’s ministry, I wonder if this is not the same John Mark who went off with Barnabas, any idea?