No matter how close the relationship. No matter how long the relationship. No matter how deep the spiritual and personal ties.
Conflict remains inevitable.
Sooner or later you will disagree with those you love, those you serve, those you work along side.
When this happens among strong spiritual leaders, messy conflict and residual impact can leave us disappointed and disillusioned. But conflict handled well leads to growth, deeper bonds, and renewed trust.
In today’s #LENTCHALLENGE reading of Acts 15, we find a dynamic duo running headstrong into each other. We’ve had hints this was coming.
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The issue appears simple. Barnabas wants to take John Mark on his next journey. Paul hesitates, recalling Mark had defected from a previous trip. Paul felt John Mark might do it again.
Barnabas was willing to take the risk, in part, because he had a vested interest: John Mark is his cousin (Col. 4:10).
When Paul says he “does not count it wise” to bring John Mark, the Greek word suggests that the idea of bringing John Mark has been counted unworthy. The contention is palpable. Paul speaks in angry irritation, exasperation.
The result is a separation. Two missionary expeditions begin rather than one. Barnabas falls to the wayside and the spotlight follows Paul for the remainder of his missionary trips.
Yet Philemon 24 shows that Paul didn’t hold a grudge against John Mark. First Corinthians 9:6 shows Paul’s continued respect. Today’s reading reminds us:
Conflict will try to bring the worst out of you, but it doesn’t have to get the best of you.
How do you become better skilled at handling conflict:
1. Remember the issue is never the issue.
For Paul, the issue of bringing John Mark wasn’t about making room for another companion. The Apostle’s concerns ran much deeper. Sometimes finding those deeper reasons requires asking gentle questions in order to identify the real issue, the real source of conflict. Once exposed, the issue often becomes easier to address and sometimes disappears altogether.
2. Remember people are not problems.
Moments of conflict can cause us to blur the line between the problem and the person. We may start to see the person as the problem. Whenever this happens, be blind ourselves to the solution and create an atmosphere that can cause long term pain and hurt. Whenever a person becomes a problem, step back to regain your composure through prayer and reflection.
3. Remember to address conflict at ideal times.
Though an issue brands itself in your heart, if you speak out of that searing place, you’ll speak words you can’t take back. Get a good night’s sleep. Write out a gentle way to communicate your concern. Develop three solutions to suggest. Make sure you let the person know early in the conversation that you are for them, not against them, and you’re confident that together you can find a workable solution.
What are your tips for working out conflict with those you love? Is there a difficult conversation or relationship we could be praying for? Leave a comment below.
