Does this person like me for who I am? or what I do? or who I know? or how I can help?
These are some of the hardest questions any of us will ever navigate. Yet we chart course through these uncertain waters everyday.
All of us.
Whether you’re sorting through your true friends in high school, college, or graduate school.
If you look around at your circle of single friends who you stay up way too late talking about anything and everything.
If you’re a mommy of preschoolers who aches for real conversation.
Whether you’re an entrepreneur or climbing the ranks at your professional job, you, too, may wonder what draws these people to you? What are the motives behind the relationships?
I wrestle with these question a lot.
Warning: Personal vulnerability disclosure.
Some people seem so excited to be friends with “Margaret Feinberg”—someone who they’ve read and watched Bible studies and enjoyed Scriptural coloring books.
But sometimes when I’m with these people, I sense they want to be with a character they’ve built up in their minds—not really me.
It’s not that I’m not that person. I am that girl.
But they seem surprised that when I say from stage, “I think the best days of life are lived in your pajamas,” that I really, really mean it. As in, if you drop by on Thursday at 3pm, there’s a good chance you’ll find me in my jammies.
Or when I joke that I’m a terrible driver. I mean it. I drive like a granny who can’t see over the wheel and suffers from bad eyesight.
I wonder deep down inside, Why do you want to be my friend?
Living with this as a central question never breeds healthy friendships. Instead, we must learn to recognize that some friendships are for seasons of life and others are based on life-stage or work.
Whether you’re in school or a job or a parent, we have to remind ourselves that we will not always be in that position. The years will pass fast. Then you’ll transition.
A new role. A new life stage. A new stage of parenting.
Throughout these years, you will make personal friends.
Personal friends are with you in the thick and thin for the long haul. When your get married, the kids graduate, or you find yourself unemployed, those friends don’t budge. They’re with you and for you because at the core they care about you and simply enjoying being with you.
Personal friends send you the stemware from Scandal because they know you love Olivia Pope. Personal friends agree to fly a thousand miles to celebrate your birthday—even though they can’t pronounce the name of the city or find it on a map. Personal friends tolerate and even celebrate your quirks and weird food allergies help you track down the pajamas that only come out once a year from Target that you love.
You’ll also gain positional friends.
They are your friend because of your influence, position, job title, or stage in life. The doors fling open because of what you do and they are ready to connect and serve you on a moment’s notice. Positional friends are good for life and the workplace and growth.
But we must be diligent to never confuse personal and positional friends.
That’s when we can get our hearts broken. For all positional friends, a day will come when they’re too busy to hang out with you. Their job is now focused on whoever has the new position, the new job title, the new baby, the age and stage in life—that you once had.
A third, less savory group, also exists: opportunistic friends.
These are simply false friends who want to use you, suck what they can from you, and dispose of you. Opportunistic friends sometimes can be people who want your position, your life, your resources, your name, and they aren’t really friends at all.
How do you handle these relationships?
Remember that their bad behavior and words aren’t personal. They may attempt to pin their disappointment, failure, depression on you—but this is not your issue.
Respond with patience, compassion, and refuse to return the attack. With enough prayer and grace, you may discover that years down the line those people who behaved as enemies may become friends and allies.
Today take five minutes and make a list of the various friends you have in your life:
Personal. Positional. Opportunistic.
How can you begin investing your time and energy in each one?
Loving on your long-time, thick n’ thin friends.
Loving on your positional friends for the short time they’ll be with you.
Extending compassion on the opportunistic friends as you walk in wisdom and grace.
What is one way you can cultivate deeper, healthier relationships this week?
Are you having The Difficult Conversation (page 124) with anyone this week? How can we be praying for you?
Join us back at MargaretFeinberg.com on Monday, July 18th as we begin Week 6: The Wonder of Forgiveness during the online Summer Bible Study.
Good stuff Margaret…
Friendships can be difficult for me – I’m not the typical chat on the phone / let’s go shopping girl. I don’t like nor do I want to have surface-y conversations about nail polish or the latest trend. However, I love a good pedicure and some conversation about what’s really going on below the surface, what are you struggling with and where are you having being victorious.
I have a beach day planned with a thick n thin friend tomorrow – we will chat all the way to the beach about life and then we will sit and hardly talk once we get there, listening to the waves crash their praise to the Lord and head home FULL. That’s a #livewonderstruck friendship.
If I’m being honest, I try to avoid the other two kinds of “friendship” – maybe I’m the one who needs “the difficult conversation”? Hugs to you sweet one.
Love your pajamas Margaret. You are a wonderful child of God. Thank you for sharing your heart. Hugs!
This is so spot on, but also, very hard to read. I have been thinking so much about friendships recently. I am not sure I have any true, personal friends. I have a lot of positional friends, but the questions nag at me. If I left my church for another, would those “close” friends still be close? When all of my children graduate (#4 happens in 3 years), will I still have the group of friends I currently hang out with? It hit home 14 years ago when I moved from one small community to our current area (less than a 10 minute drive), and the friends I thought I was close to dropped by the wayside as months passed. It hit home this week, when I had to go bra shopping, and I could only think of one friend who I thought would go, and she wasn’t available. My best friend is my husband, and I love spending time with him. My group of church friends are wonderful, but we only do things together out of convenience or necessity – eat after a bible study, shop for an event. I am struggling to feel truly connected. I know I am partially to blame because I don’t take time to initiate conversation or outings either. Thanks, Margaret for writing this today’s! I needed to see it!
I was about to skip this lesson because honestly I do not have a BF and have not had one since 1975. I had a positional friendship with a former employer from 2008-2013 and 3 short lived opportunistic friends in the last 10 years. I too have moved A L O T being married to a minister. Personally, one of a the fastest way to put a wet blanket on a friendship, is to mention being a ministry wife. I have found creative ways to get around the topic without being dishonest. Yes, a BF in the form of a female wound be great but my prayer request is to become friends with my husband again. In 2003, he entered secular work and currently owns 2 businesses which consumes his time. On page 111 of the book, I can totally relate to the short sentence…Aloneness became loneliness…THANK YOU for your prayers <3
Finding your wise, sweet words in my inbox this morning was truly a gift from God. THIS is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been struggling with some positional and opportunistic friendships. Thank you for your wisdom and insight. And those jammies are adorable!
Friendship is hard work. Thank you, ladies for sharing that it’s a struggle. With a recent church split, many of my friends have walked out of my life, then are frustrated that I haven’t reached out to them….. ( I didn’t leave,remember). That’s what I want to say, but God is my best friend. He is showing me that I was too dependent on my friends and I need to be dependent on Him.
I think most friends we have are positional friends while few are personal friends.
We definitely keep meeting positional friends everyday because life is like a journey and we keep moving and meeting new people.
It’s only personal friends that are always there for us. But we also have a role to play which is by being a true fried also.
I think most friends we have are positional friends while few are personal friends.
We definitely keep meeting positional friends everyday because life is like a journey and we keep moving and meeting new people.
It’s only personal friends that are always there for us. But we also have a role to play which is by being a true friend also.
So true!
That is a difficult season to step into. Huge hug to you, Brandi!
aww. thanks, margaret! <3
What you said resonates so deeply with me, Cathy! I try to avoid revealing what I do for a living around new friends, too. Praying that you and your husband continue to draw closer together.
Friendship is such a hard, sometimes lonely, sometimes painful journey. Thanks for being vulnerable in sharing your struggles, Sonya.
Thanks, sweet Melissa!
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