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3 Ways to Help a Friend Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted

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In her memoir, Ruined (Tyndale), Ruth Everhart bravely displays what it means to own your story—even when it’s a hard one to tell. As a guest blogger, she offers advice to those who have experienced sexual trauma. You’re invited to weigh in on the comment section below as a chance to enter to win a copy of her latest book, Ruined).

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by Ruth Everhart

I hope you never need this advice. I hope you never experience sexual trauma. But in all likelihood, you, or someone you love, will. The fact is that women aged 18-24 are at high risk for sexual assault.

What should you do if it happens to someone you know?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT

Let her know you’re ready to listen whenever she’s ready to talk. Look her in the eye. If she cannot manage eye contact, perhaps she needs to be self-protective. That’s okay. Give her time. Try again in an hour, or a day.

Give her openings to tell her story. Clearly communicate that you are available to listen, whenever, without pressure. Do not press for details in a voyeuristic way.

Listen without judgment or blame. It’s not your job to judge her story, only to hear it. If you don’t know the difference between listening and judging, you probably don’t belong in college. Self-monitor!

If you must ask questions, be very careful. Many questions imply wrongdoing. “What were you wearing?” “How much did you drink?” Don’t ask those questions. In time every important fact will surface.

Hearing your friend’s story may trigger memories of your own stories. If so, make plans to find yourself a therapist. But for now, set your own stories and feelings aside and just listen.

Do not tell a third party what your friend has told you in confidence. Honor her words and her story.

2. COMMUNICATE CARE FOR HER BODY

Give her a gift certificate for a massage, or go along to the day spa. Everyone needs healthy touch, and a massage or other bodywork can be a healing form of touch.

If money is tight, can you manage an at-home pedicure with a basin of warm soapy water? Massage her feet with a little lotion. Paint her toenails. Communicate that she is safe and you cherish her.

If she needs to buy something that’s sold in an “Intimates” department, offer to go shopping with her. Remember that buying these items is not about looking sexy, it’s about feeling good in your own skin.

Encourage her to get enough sleep. Find out if she is sleeping well. Does she need help getting a prescription for a sleep aid for the time being? Help her to get what she needs.

Encourage her to eat good food. As tempting as it is to binge on junk for comfort, be the friend who suggests a smoothie, or a really delicious salad or bowl of soup. Communicate that you care about her physical health.

3. THINK NEXT STEPS: SAFETY & JUSTICE

Ask your friend whether she feels safe. Are her living areas safe? Talk to the campus safety services or local law enforcement, whatever is appropriate. Be ready to stand up for her.

Pray for your friend and her wellbeing. You can do this without telling her about it. It is between you and the Lord.

Suggest that she pursue justice. If she is hesitant or fearful, remind her that you will be beside her every step of the way. Then honor your word and be there!

Any sexual assault survivor needs to have a true friend!

Sometimes a person’s good friends disappear in times of need. Don’t be afraid to step up to a woman you don’t know well, and offer to walk alongside her. You may be surprised to discover how alone she feels.

If it happens to you—remember that all these words of advice apply to every victim—even you. Be gentle with yourself. Tell what happened. Seek shelter and nurture. Stay safe. Pursue justice.

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Ruth Everhart is an ordained Presbyterian Pastor who has been serving the church for more than twenty-five years. A frequent speaker and blogger, Ruth and her husband currently live in the Washington D.C. area. Her memoir, Ruined (Tyndale), releases on August 2. For more from Ruth, please visit her website RuthEverhart.com or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

“It happened on a Sunday night, even though I’d been a good girl and gone to church that morning.”

One brisk November evening during her senior year at a small Midwestern Christian college, two armed intruders broke into the house Ruth Everhart shared with her roommates, held all five girls hostage, and took turns raping them at gunpoint. Reeling with fear, insecurity, and guilt, Ruth believed she was ruined, both physically and in the eyes of God.

In the days and weeks that followed, Ruth struggled to come to grips with not only what happened that night but why. The same questions raced through her mind in an unrelenting loop―questions that would continue to haunt her for years to come:

Why me? Where was God? Why did God allow this to happen? What am I being punished for?

Told with candor and unflinching honesty, Ruined is an extraordinary emotional and spiritual journey that begins with an unspeakable act of violence but ends with tremendous healing and profound spiritual insights about faith, forgiveness, and the will of God.

Grab a copy of Ruined, today.

We’re giving away 3 copies of RUINED. Leave a comment below to enter to win. Winners will be announced and notified next week.

72 Comments

  1. Andrea Simpson
    Andrea Simpson on August 17, 2016 at 6:15 am

    I’d love to read this and share with a friend.

  2. Shelby Spear
    Shelby Spear on August 17, 2016 at 6:25 am

    God Bless you, Ruth for having the courage to share your story. Your honesty will serve the world in tremendous ways. Continued peace and prayers for you. I looked forward to reading your book.

  3. Amy Sabol
    Amy Sabol on August 17, 2016 at 6:34 am

    What a timely topic as it is one that pops up with people I interact with many times over. Thank you for writing of experiences and how to be the encouragement these wounded women (and some men) need so very much!! I would SO love to read your book!!! Your writing will bless others beyond belief!! Blessings to you!!

  4. Naomi
    Naomi on August 17, 2016 at 6:47 am

    Wow, just reading this makes me tear up. I hope I win this book, but if not I am reading it anyways. How brave of her to tell her story. I really appreciate her points about helping others.

  5. Terri Swan
    Terri Swan on August 17, 2016 at 6:56 am

    I would love to read this book and share with our pastoral staff.

  6. Cathy
    Cathy on August 17, 2016 at 7:48 am

    Thank you for your wisdom in how to minister to those who have been through this trauma. Would love to ready this book.

  7. Beth Haney
    Beth Haney on August 17, 2016 at 7:50 am

    I am intrigued by Ruth Everhart’s story and would like to equip myself as a resource for someone who might need me. Thanks to Ruth for telling her story.

  8. Missy Scudder
    Missy Scudder on August 17, 2016 at 8:14 am

    As Coordinator of Prayer and Resources for Young Life College, I desire this book to read as sexual violations and assault appear to be on the rise on our college campuses today. I have worked with girls who have been assaulted and this hurts so deeply.

  9. Michelle
    Michelle on August 17, 2016 at 9:01 am

    As I read this, I had to stop and take a deep breath. Sadly, I know too many women who have experienced this trauma. In some cases, they’ve gone on to lead amazing lives… not seeing themselves as a victim. In other cases, the damage done from the experience has forever burdened and troubled them, leading them down paths of heartache. Regardless of which direction these ladies have gone… their life has immeasurable worth. They are precious. It’s refreshing to see someone who has gone through something so horrible take their experience and share it for others to see that there is hope and Jesus can make all things new. I would welcome the opportunity to read this book, then pass it along to a couple of women who I know would benefit from reading it.

  10. Brenda
    Brenda on August 17, 2016 at 9:13 am

    Thanks for the words of wisdom.
    I have a friend who could use this.
    We all need this to be a friend.

  11. Betsy
    Betsy on August 17, 2016 at 10:23 am

    It takes courage to share a painful chapter of our life, but also to be used to help others who’ve been victimized regain their perspective of God in the midst of their pain. I have at least 3 friends who’ve shared their stories and I wish I knew more of how to pray for their continued healing.

  12. roni
    roni on August 17, 2016 at 10:23 am

    As a victim, I think I might need this as a spur for myself and others who will trust me.

  13. Cary
    Cary on August 17, 2016 at 10:56 am

    As heartbreaking as it is to say, both my sister and my precious daughter have been victims of sexual victimization. I have prayed for the wisdom and discernment to know how to come alongside both of them. My daughter, especially, has walked away from her strong faith; having the wisdom to know how to address her questions regarding God has caused the most pain to my mother’s heart. Thank you for your honesty in addressing this painful issue with hope!

  14. Renee Burris
    Renee Burris on August 17, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    Thank you so much for posting such a genuine and heartfelt post on such a sensitive topic. The last I heard, 1 in 3 women are sexually abused. That is beyond devastating.
    One of those 1 in 3 happens to be one of my daughters. There are no words to describe
    what going through the years of healing were and continue to be. God has always been faithful to provide what we needed when we needed it. Now that we are a few years out from the immediate trauma, I ask God to show me how to use what we learned to help someone else. Know what? He always brings someone across my path to listen to, pray for and encourage. I would absolutely LOVE to read this book ,pass it on to my daughter and to anyone else God brings my way! Thank you for your consideration! God’s blessings to you! 🙂

  15. Melissa
    Melissa on August 17, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you for the opportunity to win this book!

    I am currently in therapy for trauma & would love to read it.

    xoxo,
    Melissa

  16. Betty LaFargue
    Betty LaFargue on August 17, 2016 at 10:41 pm

    I could really use this book! My eyes popped out of my head and my heart went into my stomach when I read “3 ways to help a friend who’s been sexually assaulted”. I’ve been there and am helping a precious young woman walk thru God’s truths! He makes a message from our mess. I must read this!! I need all the help I can get!

  17. Marguerite Engelbrecht
    Marguerite Engelbrecht on August 18, 2016 at 2:34 am

    This sounds like an extraordinary book. I know so many women who need this support.

  18. Alice
    Alice on August 18, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    What good advise! There are so many women that need to hear Ruth’s story and to know a good friend armed with even just these 3 steps.

    So many women are alone in this because how do you share what happened without putting yourself at risk.

    I was blessed with a family that loved me through the rough time in my life. Support is such a blessing and makes all the difference in the world.

  19. Leah Osier
    Leah Osier on August 18, 2016 at 11:18 pm

    I would love to read your book. I have a daughter starting college next month. She is our first to leave. I have many fears and concerns as we face her leaving our home. Your story can be an eye opener to her and to me for the next few years.
    Thanks

  20. Ruth Everhart
    Ruth Everhart on August 23, 2016 at 11:52 am

    Thanks to all of you who are interested in this memoir! And if you are on your own healing journey, blessings to you!

  21. Ruth, 21
    Ruth, 21 on August 23, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    I would so very much like to read this book. My name is also Ruth and I’m also a memoir writer. Survived some very painful things in my life. My heart goes out to this woman.

  22. Angela McGowan
    Angela McGowan on August 24, 2016 at 10:02 pm

    As a counselor, this book will be a must read for me! Thank you for sharing your difficult and painful story in an effort to help others!

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