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Why You’re Not As Close to Someone As You Thought You Were

by | 64 comments

Do everything with love….

Do everything without complaint….

Which do you find more difficult?

With love or without complaint?

I struggle with the everything.

In Overcomer: 4-Weeks in Philippians, we’ve discovered that the Apostle Paul loves that word everything.

“Do everything without complaining.” (Philippians 2:14)

“Bu-bu-bu-buttttttttt,” I protest.

Why does it feel so good to let it out to someone?

What if that feel-good moment comes at a cost?

What if the very thing that you think is making your relationships closer is tearing them apart?

That’s what I discovered in this week’s Facebook LIVE teaching in Philippians—a book that teaches us how to be overcomers in our relationships.

Modern science confirms what Paul—trapped in prison with a 1000 reasons to complain—teaches…

That complaint doesn’t make things better.

Why?

Studies reveal that aggressive expressions don’t reduce anger but rehearse anger. [1]  

Which makes me mad. Just kidding.

We tell ourselves that we’re just…

blowing off steam…

letting it out…

getting it off our chest…

But instead of finding release, the pressure rebuilds within us.

Now let me be clear: there’s always a place for healthy processing that’s solution-oriented.

But talk that doesn’t seek a solution or healing or understanding or clarity…

Soon becomes complaining—a type of rehashing that pulls us down rather than builds us (and others) up.

I reached out to Amanda Rose at the University of Missouri who studies relationships and ruminations.

She explained that friends who co-ruminate (or rehash problems excessively as complaint) with one another feel close to each other and consider their friendship as being of high quality.

Why?

When someone talks about problems, the friend tends to offer support and say kind things, which makes the person with the problem feel better.

“The problem is,” Amanda explained, “that these good feelings probably slip away once the friends stop talking about it. This very well may make the person with the problem want to talk about it with the friend again, to recapture those warm, supportive feelings.”

In other words, complaining creates a cycle of complaint and leads to a sense of false intimacy.

One of the reasons we don’t realize how much we’re complaining is…

All we remember is the closeness we felt, not the words we said.

I’d never thought about it that way… but in reflecting on relationships from my past… the ones that came and went…

Many of them were built on the false intimacy of complaint.

When you look back on the relationships that have faded in your life… how many share that trait?

Perhaps that’s one reason the Apostle Paul encourages us to do everything without complaint.

Now there’s more reasons… and that’s what I explore in this week’s Facebook Live teaching.

You don’t want to miss it… and remember that it’s not too late to join us…

In Overcomer: 4 Weeks in the Book of Philippians, you’ll find the entire Book of Philippians divided into 20 readings. This provides 5 days of homework—or what I prefer to call playwork—per week plus devotions and discussion questions.

You can pick up one of the few remaining copies of Overcomer here. Or grab the downloadable version and print your own here.

I’ve been sharing over four weeks in a row—for 10-20 minutes—on Saturdays at NOON Eastern.

Week One: Click Here for Blog. Click here for Facebook Live recording.

Week Two: Click Here for Blog. Click here for Facebook Live recording.

Week Three: Click here for Facebook Live recording.

July 8—Noon Eastern, Facebook LIVE

Your homework this week:

  1. Watch the Facebook live teaching here.
  2. Complete playwork from Day 11-15 of Overcomer including devotional, discussion questions, and coloring the Scripture for rich insights.
  3. Invite someone to join you in the Overcomer study.
  4. Enjoy a popsicle and life-giving conversation with a friend this week.

Together, let’s find joy and delight in God’s Word as we learn to know the Overcomer and become overcomers.

Much love,

Margaret

[1] http://www.nytimes.com/1983/03/08/science/venting-anger-may-do-more-harm-than-good.html?pagewanted=2

64 Comments

  1. Beth Feathers
    Beth Feathers on July 3, 2017 at 6:31 am

    This study is God appointed, God timed, and a God planned study. It’s as if He had you write this just for me. Now, I know that’s not really true, however, how I got here at this appointed time and place in a moment when it feels as if you’re sitting in my living room leading the study just for me.
    God appointment.
    I’m a little behind, not because I’m not doing the study or putting it off, but because it’s meaty, a bit chewy and needs time to marinate in my heart, mind, and soul.
    Today’s blog is a glimpse of a situation of my life just last week.
    Thank you.

  2. Jenni Ho-Huan
    Jenni Ho-Huan on July 3, 2017 at 8:43 pm

    Margaret, i wonder if you would consider preparing something for the younger women – the adolescents & late teens. You see, when I study Scripture with my 17 year old, i find that her take on it is very different. She’s a digital native in a post-modern era. Just take this subject on complaining. These days, they feel is it completely ‘legit’ to share broadly about stuff, to almost put their lives on display via social media. We need to speak wisdom and stability into their lives! Thanks again for quality work. Bless you!

  3. Margaret
    Margaret on July 5, 2017 at 9:35 am

    Beth-

    Thank you for sharing, sweet friend. Glad you are really taking the time to let this study sink in 🙂

  4. Tara Lantieri (@songsofjoy)
    Tara Lantieri (@songsofjoy) on July 6, 2017 at 8:36 am

    complaining creates a cycle of complaint and leads to a sense of false intimacy…WOW

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