Nancy Ortberg once noted that “conflict is the only way to intimacy.” While I’m not convinced it’s the “only” way to intimacy, I do believe that when handled well conflict can create increase respect, spark creativity, and give birth to a better project, idea, or initiative.I know people who thrive in the midst of conflict. They come alive and find enjoyment in tension and disagreement.
I prefer to hide under the tablecloth. I’m not sure why, but ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been afraid of conflict. I remember hearing my parents raise their voices and thinking a loud verbal exchange equaled divorce. I’d go to my bedroom, pull the sheets over my head, and beg for it to stop. Though my parents assured me that it was natural for people to disagree, I didn’t like it one bit.
I still don’t love conflict, but I’m learning the power of creative conflict. Leif and I call it the “push back.” We use this term to describe the moments when we disagree but don’t want to settle for mere disagreement—we want to engage, converse, search out the best possible solution. We want to identify the core issue of what’s bothering us—whether it’s the idea, wordage, execution, tone, expression or timing. As we talk with each other—editors, producers, customers, listeners, event planners—we find ourselves developing bigger and better ideas and initiatives thanks to creative conflict. In the process, we grow closer to each other and those who we work and serve along side.
How do you encourage healthy, creative conflict in your workplace, relationships, and everyday life?
How do you disagree in such a way that brings the best out of other people (and yourself)?
*Photo courtesy of here
When faced with those who deal with differences aggressively, lately I find I regress to either a child who acts defiantly and defensively or a child who closes her mouth and takes it. I want to step forward into maturity and love. I want to offer grace without giving up the truth. Would love your insights on this journey. Glad you are you!
Leah,
I think that in creative disagreement, we have to remember to gently but firmly dig to the core issue of the disagreement. What’s bugging you? What’s bugging the other person?
Sometimes it’s our wordage. Sometimes it’s framing. Sometimes it execution. Sometimes it’s something all together different.
But what is the thing. Last week I had a disagreement and kept asking, “But what’s bugging at you?” I rephrased as, “If you could change one thing, what would it be?” Then I gently reminded the person, “I want to work with you, I want to engage, I want the best possible product….but something’s not working and we need to know what that is….I need you.”
That’s when the person identified the issue–a wordage change that made all the difference (and the product better). Sometimes we need time to identify the issue. Sometimes we need to know that our opinions. And sometimes we need to know that it’s worth fighting for….while others it’s worth just letting go…
Thoughts????
I think active listening is important. During a conflict we, I, am so focused on getting my point across that my listening skills take to the back burner. I have found that listening actively and not in a passive manner makes a huge difference in the outcome. After listening, I’ll say…”This is what I am hearing you say…” This could go along with the “wordage change” you mentioned. I say some crazy things sometimes and find myself rephrasing sentences so as to better communicate.
I also say, “This is how I feel when…” and try not to accuse the other person, but place that issue back to where I am in the situation.
Loved your thoughts above and you’re right, there is always a core issue, it’s just finding it and working through it.
Shelley,
You’re right….and usually it’s in the listening that we see how to make something better….
best, m.
Wow…creatively dealing with conflict…each situation is so different, so unique, huh?!…but I have found a few things over the years that are very much alike to this discussion…I try to watch to be wise and be sensitive to the “need of the moment” by focusing on issues and solutions.
Asking, “What are the real issues involved?” and then truly LISTENING and HEARING. This helps me give focus to the discussion and prevent rabbit-trails in all directions, the inherent escalation of emotions and I have seen this ultimately lead to the symptoms, which locate the “root cause”. Which is what you said, “really digging in to find out the core”.
I do my best to make sure my mind is in the driver seat, fully engaged; emotions have a habit of driving recklessly. Letting my mind regulate the heat of my emotions like a thermostat regulates the temperature and keeps me calm, peaceable and collected (not always but much more frequently, since practice makes perfect). This also reduces conflicts to the smallest dimensions…Prov. 26:20 For lack of wood the fire goes out. Dealing with conflicts is like putting out fires. One of the most important principles of fire-fighting is to contain the blaze and prevent it from spreading. It does no good to chase a spreading fire. Its all about containment.
I do my best not to bring up unrelated points of contention (containment)….The fewer the issues to deal with the better, if at all possible. I have been in conflicts that end up like a three-ring-circus….wow how quickly we digress to the selfishness.
During the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was advised by someone to declare war with Britain. Lincoln wisely responded that “one war at a time” was enough. I have learned to pick my battles so I dont lose the war…sometimes I have found it easier to agree to disagree and move on, rather than allow myself to be drawn into unrelenting emotions that have a need to win at the cost of relationship.
Conflict can tend to make our voices loud, overcompensating to prove a point. By lowering my voice, reassuring the other person, affirming our common goals, being humble, we work together towards a realistic solution.
I have found that “how” I phrase things is imperative. The way I word what I say is a contributing factor in succeeding or failing in conflict resolution. It matters not only what I say, but also how I word it and the tone in which I speak, non-compartmentalizing, non-judgemental, non-confrontational reassurance. Prov. 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:4: A soothing tongue is a tree of life. Prov. 16:21: Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.
I really like what you said here “Then I gently “re-minded” (my emphasis) the person, “I want to work with you, I want to engage, I want the best possible product….but something’s not working and we need to know what that is….I need you.” Thats minding the gap so to speak…
Words should convict the heart and not rebuke the soul…it’s important to ask questions before arriving at conclusions. I like to find out the facts, ask the person their side before making accusations or gearing up for a big case over what could possibly be a small issue.
Suggestions and/or criticisms can be rephrased as questions. When I rephrase statements into question form, I have found it softens the effect and provokes the other to new perspective of thought. Not “you’re a liar” which defines that person, but “why did you lie about about that…” which defines the situation…I dont want to be defined by my worst moments…I have found that mercy triumphs over judgement on every occasion…its the unbuntu factor, I am as WE are, it takes all of us to make a change and “I see you”, recognizing your humanity and our differences whether I agree or disagree with your decisions…
Ro 12:18 If possible, “so far as it depends upon you”, live peaceably with all. (RSV)
Kel,
There a ton of wisdom in your comments–Love it! Lots of great food for thought–thank you!
I’m part of a creative planning team that has this dynamic down to a science. It’s mostly made up of creative types (writers, actors, musicians, tech people), and all of our personalities seem to be jockeying for position during meetings. It’s a good thing we all love each other so much, or I’m sure it would go in a bad direction! But knowing we’re all together for the same purpose (God) and working toward the same goal (drawing people closer to God), it helps in keeping us on track.
We have, occasionally, stepped on toes (or, more commonly, stepped on ideas). We actually had a bucket at one point that we’d have to throw a quarter into if we made a judging comment during the brainstorming process. During brainstorming, you don’t want to shut anyone down. Even if their idea isn’t the best, it could be a springboard for another idea.
Notice I didn’t say, “If MY idea isn’t the best.” Because, you know, it always is. Needless to say, I put a lot of quarters in that bucket before I got the hang of it…
Rachel,
I LOVE IT! The quarter in a bucket idea is brilliant–really! Thanks for sharing this.
Best, m.