My sweet friend, Kathleen Brooks, is leading a small group of people who are fighting cancer—some with stage 4. I was moved as she asked me to pray that those she’s leading have increasing hope and deepening faith and trust in Him—that they would experience God’s wonder.
Her request made me think, “How can we best support those who have been diagnosed with cancer?” [Tweet this]
I asked Kathleen and her small group to put together a list of ideas.
If you know someone—a family member, friend, church member, co-worker, neighbor—battling cancer put one or more of these in practice. And if you’ve fought the disease, let us know what people have done for you that were most meaningful and helpful.
Here are 15 things you can do when someone you love has cancer: [Tweet this]
1. Following surgery, offer to organize meals or purchase a gift card for the local grocery store for the person’s family.
2. Purchase a six-month subscription to Netflix so the person can watch movies whenever the person is feeling ill. (Downton Abbey marathon, anyone?)
3. Rather than buy the person well-meaning but not helpful gifts like candles or blankets, consider writing a check they can use toward medical bills or what they need. Never forget that the Good Samaritan contains a story about helping those in need pay off medical bills.
4. Email regularly that you’re praying.
5. Avoid talking about friends or relatives who passed away from cancer. Don’t tell cancer stories.
6. Offer to pick up kids from school on post-chemo days.
7. Send a friend with cancer on a family get-away. Donate airline miles, points toward hotel and rental car, or gift cards. Provide an opportunity for the family to make memories together.
8. Instead of asking how you can help—which can create blank stares—consider offering to use your gifts in specific ways. Are you good at organizing? A natural handyman? Love to clean? Available for babysitting? Good at accounting?
9. Find out the best way to communicate with the person and stick to it. Some people will prefer texts, others email, still others phone calls or notes. Remember the person may not have the energy to call you back, but seeing a kind text can be such an encouragement.
10. Don’t use the person as an opportunity to process your own grieving. If you have a comment or story on suffering or loss, keep it to yourself. Silence and compassionate listening are some of the best gifts you can give.
11. Send humor. Whether it’s a funny movie, comedian, or humor on YouTube, laughter is always welcome and a much needed stress reliever.
12. Offer to clean the person’s house, or better yet, offer to hire a professional cleaning team.
13. Avoid saying “I understand.” Unless you’ve had the exact, identical cancer, you don’t understand.
14. Offer to drive the person to medical appointments. Always bring paper and pen to take notes as the doctors and medical personnel give information.
15. If you say you’re going to do something for the person, do it quickly. The person is depending on you and believe it or not the vast majority of people make well-meaning promises and don’t fulfill. Be the one who keeps your word.
Weigh in: What would you add to this list?
UPDATE: Here are 20 MORE Ways to Love Someone Who Has Cancer.
Love all 15! The Netflix gift made me think of other digital gifts. Maybe a new shuffle or iPod with an iTunes card! Or just a couple of new CD’s. A kindle (or ipad mini) preloaded with Wonderstruck and other great books.
Having my mom go through 3 cancers and losing my mother-in-law to breast cancer, a tip to help the care-giver. Consider setting up a regular “break”, whether for a day or only for 2 hours. That helps so much.
Great ideas, Theresa! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks, Dave!
As a caregiver, I have to agree with Dave Kirk. Don’t be afraid to accept help from others. As a caregiver you are on 24/7 and need an occasional break. My mom had to come live with us as she battled the last stages of cancer. At the same time we were taking care of my mother-in-law who was in a nearby nursing home and had battled 3 cancers, PAD, an aneurysm, and various other physical ailments. It was a tough time balancing between caring for two wonderful women, but it took its toll emotionally. Our small group was great about supplying small gifts, time and prayer. The time, though, was probably the best gift. Don’t forget the caregiver in the whole picture.
Comment on meals: I received a lot of meals after surgery for breast cancer. One new friend was outstanding in that she kept coming with meals every week for several months. While food is necessary, eating isn’t always fun. My friend was creative in her cooking and incredibly thoughtful in presentation. What I realized was that she ‘got it’….she understood that it isn’t over quickly. Her inventive approach in providing taste-tempting and attractive meals was well worth her time. Truly helped the healing process in body and spirit.
Another suggestion: please let the patient be honest in his/her feelings. Just listen. You won’t have all the answers but the fact that he or she is being heard helps.
My husband passed away last year after an 18 year battle with cancer. We went through many different kinds of chemo, surgeries and radiation. Each chemo was different and so are cancers. What may be true for one kind of cancer may be totally different for another. Be sensitive to their needs. We had so many well meaning people trying to care for him,(he was a minister) in and out of our house, bringing food, it got overwhelming. We had to have someone coordinate meals and caregivers. My daughter and I actually looked forward to a night where we could go out to a restaurant of our choice. Some privacy is needed at times, and boundaries need to be set. I would recommend gift cards, especially gas cards. If there are children, get them out of the house to do fun things with friends. Its a terrible thing for a child to watch a parent slowly dying in a hospital bed in their own family room. Don’t forget to care for the spouse, too. Gift cards for a massage, nail salon, etc. or a morning to sit and have coffee at the local coffeehouse.
This was so good…esp. the points that help others understand not all cancer is the same and by-the-way, not all people’s journey will be the same. God is at work in each and every heart and life AND cancer and we don’t have all the inside info on everything. My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 11 years ago this month. He has been in remission for 10 years this July. (Do I hear a halleluljah?) He went through his treatment etc. in ways that amazed the docs (and everyone else) even though he was really sick. When it was suggested he counsel other with cancer there was a deep realization that his experience would NOT be the experience of others. While God is always God and can be relied on and He IS OUR HOPE, still He works in the lives of other with cancer in very different ways…it would be unfair and not so hopeful to others if they thought they had to deal with their cancer by missing only 1 day of work while receiving treatment. (Yikes…I’d be a mess if you put that on me!)
1 month after being told he was in remission our eldest was diagnosed with CML a form of leukaemia that generally strikes older people…she was 18. She had a bone-marrow transplant and, while there are commonalities between the cancer experiences and between her and other bone-marrow patient’s experiences, and principles you can apply, again, each person’s journey is theirs…
And our all seeing, all knowing, all loving God is overseeing each step of the journey.
Love this! Thank you, Monica!
Jane, this is great! Thank you for the advice!
Becky, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Praying for grace, mercy, and comfort for you! Thank you for sharing your ideas.
Debbie, so glad it resonated with you! Thank you for sharing about your husband and daughter. Love your points!
Precious Margaret … thank you so much for posting the ideas and I truly loved hearing the new ideas of your readers! Awesome! Our group of Sisters, which sent you the original ideas, thanks you for praying and for allowing us to share our ideas! Even journeying through cancer we can be WONDERSTRUCK by the greatness and goodness of our God! And … we are!
The original 15 suggestions, as well as the ones already noted here are all great. As someone battling cancer myself, I would like to add a couple more.
The one thing that bothers me the most is for people to offer unsolicited advice about what treatment, doctor, or clinic I should try, or what possible spiritual lesson/punishment God is using the cancer to accomplish (as in WHY I got cancer). Or openly disagreeing with the choices I make for treatment. I hate being put on the defense or made to feel like I must deserve cancer for some reason known only to God.
Even if you’ve had the same kind of cancer, the way you handled it and treated it may not be the way another person would. The cancer battle is hard enough, including trying to blend the physical and emotional battles with the spiritual battle that must also be fought. Having to deflect negative comments or be on the defensive is exhausting.
People fighting cancer need prayer. We need words of encouragement, verbal and/or written. We need to know you support our fight, even if we fight differently than you would.
We do not need speculation. Or judgment. Or unsolicited advice. This applies not only to the person with cancer, but also their spouse or caregiver. They are already carrying a burden, please don’t add to it.
God has been faithful to bring me words of encouragement through notes, emails, or people speaking them to me. People tell me they’re praying for me, or they do pray for me, right then, regardless of where we are. Those blessings help offset the negative input from others.
The ideas already listed for what tangible things people can do were great. I would add gift cards for restaurants, grocery stores, pharmacy – find out where they shop, or choose places close to their home, also pre-loaded Visa or debit cards are an option. A gift card from Amazon.com is also useful. Or pay a bill without them knowing who paid it.
But most of all, pray. Ask God to show you how you can best be a blessing to that person and honor Him. How can I be Jesus to someone who is suffering, whether it’s from cancer, or being their spouse, child, or care-giver.
Bravo, Sharon! You’ve addressed hard issues beautifully. God bless as you rest and heal in Him.
Hi Margaret,
I just got off the phone from talking to a friend who told me she received the news of a breast cancer diagnosis yesterday.
I remembered that this post was in my inbox today.
Thank you so much.
I know it will be a great resource to help in the days and months to come.
Margaret,
I love your heart for others!! Being a cancer survivor for 12 years now, the best gift I received was from a group of about 8 girlfriends! I live 600 miles away from my Mom and my Mom came up for the surgery and these girlfriends from church meet my Mom and I at the hospital at like 5am for surgery!! They kept Mom company as I underwent surgery and they had never met my Mom beforehand!
Before my second surgery, I attended one of my church’s women’s retreats and about 50 or so women laid hands on me and prayed for me!! Talk about being flooded with a peace that passed all understanding!
And as my best friend just lost her battle with ovarian cancer, as my friend went through two surgeries, I would give her 3 kids gift cards to McDonalds, Sonic, and gas stations so that Denise wouldn’t have to worry about having cash for the kids or fixing dinner for them.
And I still keep in touch with her kids to let them know how special they are and how special their Mom was.
Love all the comments and ideas!!
Sharon, thank you for your raw honesty and for the great advice. Praying for you and your battle!
Helen, praying for your friend! So glad this came to you at the right time!
Donna, these are great! Thank you so much for sharing!
My friend battled cancer, lost, but I saw her whenever I could. A bunch of us contributed and got her a vacation to see us out west (Toronto to Vancouver). One more thing off the bucket list.
One of the most practical things I can think of though, is gas gift cards. Often the travel to the hospital is quite a distance, and the cost of fuel is quite expensive. She appreciated all the gas cards she got. When I found out another friend’s mom had cancer and that she was driving to and from the house to take her to the hospital, I sent her a gas card knowing it was a 2-hour round trip of driving.
I think these are ALL wonderful ideas! My big brother just passed away from bladder cancer on the 29th of January. I noticed that when I would talk with him and I gave him hope and spoke about how we will get through this and spoke about others who have survived Stage 4 cancer, that made him feel much better! He liked to hear ONLY positive things… so my advise would be to try to stay positive when speaking with your loved ones who are fighting for their lives from this horrible life-threatening disease.
Love it! Great idea, Heather! Thank you!
Janice, great advice! I am so sorry to hear about your brother and will be praying for you and your family.
My husband is fighting cancer for the second year in a row. A great way to help a caregiver is to offer to co-ordinate things like meals from friends, lifts, health updates. It can be tiring to co-ordinate meals (even though I don’t know how I’d get by without them) and update everyone just being able to say “Talk to X” and know that they’ll sort everything out can be a big weight off the caregivers shoulders.
One more thing that really helps…be specific in offers to help. When I’m stressed and someone asks me “Can I help with anything?” I’ll tend to just say no rather than have to think of something but if someone says, “I’m going shopping can I pick up some bread and milk?” or “Are you coping with your laundry can I come collect a load?” I find it easier to say, “yes, that would be great”. Often it’s not that I don’t need the help it’s that it takes to much energy to articulate what I need help with.
The LA times had a great article recently on how not to say the wrong things to people who are ill: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407,0,2074046.story
It describes different rings with the person who is afflicted at the center and everyone else at different levels around the outside. The idea being that the person in the center can dump out and complain and moan as much as they need to but everyone else only gets to put comfort out. Really helpful in knowing what to say.
That reminds me of my friend. Her best friend was the one who took on the burden of sending out all the updates to people. That can be such an amazing asset if you’re up to it.
Thoughts and prayers to your husband Wendy.
What helped me the most was when friends could run errands for me or clean. Chemo makes you so weak, vacuuming is nearly impossible. Coming to appointments and taking notes is incredibly helpful — it’s hard to catch the details when your mind is busy grasping the situation as it changes. Do your best to help keep sick people away from them — at church, in the workplace. Do their Christmas/birthday shopping so they don’t have to go to busy, germy malls. We don’t have enough immune power to fight off infections. Help them get out to have some fun.
So many great suggestions from the group! Thanks for discussing this, Margaret!
This is SUCH a great list. Thank you! One thing we found helpful last year when my husband was going through chemo is to have our house cleaned. Although smells can often be tough for chemo patients, we found it was easiest to have the house cleaned while he was gone at chemo every other Friday. (I was there with him so the house was empty and a friend would come clean it for us.) We’d come home to a comfortable and cozy house, with dinner on the door from another friend. Then, we’d settle in for the weekend with movies and napping. Such a blessing!
Kathleen, so glad it resonated with you!
Thanks for the reference, Wendy!
Wendy, praying for you and your husband.
What a blessing, Rebecca!
Lesley, praying for you and your husband!
When I was going through chemo, a friend sent me a big box filled with small wrapped presents, so I could open one whenever I needed some encouragement, or needed some fun. Some days I opened several presents. They always cheered me up. I thought it was a great idea!
You mentioned the one I would suggest. #11 Laughter My mom passed away from breast cancer when I was teen. I remember how often she would record her favorite funny shows and then watch them again just to laugh. It really is good medicine.
creative ideas for meals is a brilliant idea, often my wife will say “nothing sounds good” but creatively ideas will help, thanks Jane.
as Jodie’s caregiver I often weep not knowing what to say, but being there side by side seems to help, again great insight Jane
I’m so thankful for the loving wisdom, and truthful comments that come from the voices of those in the battle, and the care givers that walk along side of them.
My prayer is that in it all and through it all may we each be filled with His grace and peace.
Thank you Margaret for this loving and timely post.
Love the comments about the caregivers. When my husband had cancer twice, I starved. I remember always being hungry. Hospital food was terrible. One of the best things I remember was when two friends if mine came to visit him in the hospital before they went out to eat. They invited me to go with them. What a treat! It seemed like I never had food in the house so I always had to grab something on the way ahome late at night when only fast food was available. Make sure their home is stocked with breakfast food and healthy meals. That helps so much!
I lost my best friend to cancer a couple of months ago after a 6 week battle and yesterday another friend told me she has cancer. Both friends only 59. I am grieving one passing and the suffering of the other. Thanks for the ideas.
Praying that God wraps you in his love and pours peace over you, Carol. Hug, friend.
Don’t assume just because the person fighting cancer is a child of God and faith that they are not scared sad….My daughter thinks I should just fall on the word that God is there and will bring me through this so what is there to be scared about .Be there for the person and let them share their fears and struggles openly
Thank you for the great ideas. My husband has battled through 7 weeks of chemo and radiation — and now they have found more “lumps”. His stomach is now bothering him something awful. I simply don’t know what to do to comfort him (other than just being here for him) nor can I think of much to do to help, period. We just recently moved here — we have no family around. This is soooo tough! Cancer Sucks (and that’s the name of my new Pinterest Board)! I keep myself busy around the house — painting each room as I progress through the house, sewing new curtains, etc. But that is all for ME, what to do for him has me just deadended. At least he has his big screen TV and enjoys watching it. Love you for your thoughts.
Thank you for your wonderful thoughts and words, Sharon. I truly felt a degree of comfort reading them.
Hi, I am a cancer Survivor. Can I share this article on my website?
Hello, this is great advice. Would you share what types of meals worked well for you?
Due to my tastebuds changing every day, there was nothing I could bank on. I would go for getting your loved one gift cards to the grocery store or whole foods so they can pop in and grab what sounds good that meal.
Thank you Sharon
I can’t emphasize #15 enough. A friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer, and then 2 more types. I found out about 9 weeks before she passed away. Right after I found out, I ended up with bronchitis. I couldn’t knock it, so I stayed away. Then found out it was from allergies (not contagious)… by then it was too late. We did get up to the hospital on the other side of town in the morning before they put her on a morphine drip. Because of the speed of her illness, many people were caught w/o having taken the opportunity to do something. So…find a way to do something, as fast as you can. And as often as you can. Even if you are not well yourself.
Margaret, I too am the care giver for my husband that is going through cancer. Right now I feel exhausted and feel that I need help. I like Wendy feel that I can’t except help from anyone because I am the “Care Giver” now. I wish I could allow people to help me, but I guess pride gets in the way. My house is dirty and I don’t want anyone to see it. I just don’t have the time or energy to do anything about it. We travel around 240 miles every other week to get chemo and by the time I drive him to and from the cancer center I am exhausted. My husband sleeps a lot because he has no energy at all. I thank you all for letting me read and hopefully do some of these things you all are suggesting by letting others help. May God bless you all!
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