There comes a certain point in our journeys when we encounter loss, pain, and suffering in a way that transforms us forever.
Suddenly suffering isn’t an abstract idea but heart wrenching reality that’s painfully drilled deep wells of compassion for others inside you.
I experienced this through sickness. Maybe you experienced it through loss of a loved one, financial ruin, unspeakable abuse, and if so, I’m so sorry.
But together we walk among the fellowship of the afflicted.
I have someone who walks this road with us that you need to meet.
When I first met Kate, I saw sparkle in her eyes and sizzle in her spirit. Little I know that this precious 30-something would wake up just a few months later diagnosed with stage-four cancer.
She was a new mom, had her dream teaching job, and a super shiny life when all certainty and normalcy came crashing down. She wrote a NYT op-ed in the midst of serious chemo, which ended up going viral.
It was complete divine irony when this prosperity gospel scholar at Duke was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer at age 35.
She received tons of letters from people experiencing hard times and their shared frustration with being dismissed as a problem to be solved or minimized.
Kate experienced firsthand the crushing that comes with pouring certainty on someone’s pain.
She realized that people didn’t really have a great vocabulary to talk about why horrible things happen except overused clichés like “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “everything happens for a reason.”
So I asked Kate to share what to never say… Meet Kate:
Never Say This #1: “You must feel so close to Jesus.”
When I feel at my worst, I usually just want to be held and made to laugh. Even Jesus cried out in agony – and it’s okay for people in pain to lean into it without the assumption it makes us holier.
My cancer has not made me a prophet, though I do like to think it has taught me gratitude.
I did experience what theologians have sometimes called “the sweetness,” where in my most life-altering hours, I felt absolutely surrounded by the gelatinous love of God.
But it’s not a permanent state for me – it comes in flashes and waves. There are times I feel Christianity has completely let me down. And for others, illness may well make them lose their faith.
Instead: Pray for me. Pray for others. Pray for healing, comfort, peace, medical breakthroughs, the Bachelor to get renewed for another season.
Never Say This #2: “Have you tried eating more super foods?”
Who actually likes kale salads? NOBODY! Please take heart that my doctors are already treating me, and if I took the dietary advice of everyone who offered, I would suffocate under the piles of sundried quinoa and bean protein.
I fully admit that I used to be this person; I wanted to help fix my friends going through something hard. But once I got sick, I had to let go of the lie that I had ultimate control over my life.
Instead: Be with me. Spend time with me in silence, or discussing last week’s US Weekly celebrity drama. Show me care without trying to impose a quick fix. We are all people to be loved, not problems to be solved.
Never Say This #3: “Let me know what I can do to help.”
This is a tricky one, because the offer for help always comes from a place of love! This is noted, and so, so appreciated. I couldn’t have made it the last few years without dozens of people keeping my life afloat.
But often, a general offer for help (while loving) doesn’t get very far. I felt so guilty about being a burden that it was impossible for me to 1) decide what I actually needed and 2) gather the courage to ask.
Instead: Make specific and immediate offers. Try this: “I’d like to bring you a meal. How is this Thursday afternoon?” Or – “Need someone to cut your grass? I’m free Saturday!” This makes the decision making so much simpler for the sufferer.
Kate says that her book, Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved, started as a love letter to her family during her illness, but it resonates far beyond that.
This week, Kate’s memoir, Everything Happens for A Reason hit #3 on the entire Amazon bestseller list… and her book is being featured in places like the New York Times, Time Magazine, and many more.
So if you’re ready to laugh and feel and know what some people can’t find the words to say…
Pick up Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved today from Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
With much love,
Margaret
Margaret, Thank you for introducing Kate to the world, and Thank you for sharing, “3 Things to Never Say to Someone Facing a Terminal Diagnosis”. My prayers are with Kate and her family.
I’m so thankful for meeting you and receiving your emails. No one ever thinks this will happen to them, then it does. I had a breast biopsy this week and am waiting for the results. I love and trust my Lord Jesus, but I have flashes of pure terror. Please pray for me.
Thank you for introducing Kate to us. I look forward to reading her book. As a parent with a young child that had leukemia, I can completely relate. Even though I was not the patient, I was his mother and I encountered the same scenarios that Kate describes. As helpful as many people were trying to be, they made me feel like somehow I brought this terrible disease upon him becasuse I did/didn’t do whatever hot trend was currently blasted over the internet. Or when we were totally committed to a particular treatment regimen, they suggest other possibilities. All these folks had good intentions but it is all about timing and not saying something just for the mere fact to be heard but to really pray for God’s guidance, being led by the Spirit and obeying it, even if he wants us to be silent.
You were right. I needed to read your blog today. I need to know this. Though I experienced trauma and have turned away from people with insincere and meaningless comments, I see the natural self-centered bent in myself. God can do a miracle for me and I become pharisaical and prideful. Oh, that we remain humble and sensitive to the needs of others. Love you both!
Lalalove Kate! So happy to share her with the world!
Oh, Deborah! Prayers for a very positive report! May the arms of our Father surround you even now. Hugs hug!
Agreed, prayer for God’s guidance in what to say/not say is huge! Hugs!
Beautiful insight, Janell! Thank you for sharing. Hugs!
The Lord bless you with peace and joy, I went to your women’s conference in Los Gatos, Ca and I feel I know you. Thank you for being one of those examples of suffering. People like Joni make everyone think I can scratch my nose she can’t, what I’m walking through is so much less. Not a club anyone wants to be in. Yet what an honor. When God steps on your face kiss his feet.
Thank you for sharing with us, that has encouraged me so much.
Hugs, sweet Eileen!
So grateful!
A group of friends and I are just finishing up your Bible study, “Taste and See”. I even made the gluten-free chocolate sea salt cookies for our time together tonight.
Thank you for all the insight you shared about the many times Christ breaks bread. I could never processed all of that before. I have thoroughly enjoyed your study and wanted to let you know what an encouragement you have been to me. Blessings to you. I had never processed all of that before. I have thoroughly enjoyed your study and wanted to let you know what an encouragement you have been to me. Blessings to you
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