Cancer.
It’s the word we hope to never hear.
As breast cancer awareness month comes to a close, we must remember we are all impacted by cancer.
When I heard that C-word from the doctor. I made an unusual decision to fight back with joy. I had been studying joy for the previous year. In fact, the diagnosis arrived two weeks before I turned in the manuscript. The news trashed my book and my life.
I had been studying joy during the relatively good times of life, now I had to scout for it in amidst great suffering and pain. Somewhere along the way, I discovered that more than whimsy, joy is the weapon we use to fight life’s battles. And sometimes you’ve got to poke holes in the darkness until it bleeds light.
I learned much about joy weaponry, but I’ve also discovered some of the hottest, hardest hits come from friendly fire. People’s well-meaning comments can cut to the core.
Here are 5 things you should Never Ever Say to someone battling cancer:
1. “The first moment my momma saw you she said, ‘There’s something wrong with her.’”
Noticing people with cancer isn’t like playing “Where’s Waldo?” You’re not a superstar or brilliant because you can recognize a cancer patient. Many of us try to hide the marks and scars of cancer as best we can. Sorry, no extra points or sticky stars for recognizing us.
2. “Oh, my aunt had that. She died.”
Mentioning that you have cancer has a way of causing all the dead relative stories to surface. You probably know people who died of cancer. Remember that we’re trying our hardest not to be among them.
3. “My friend had the same cancer and she’s fine.”
Cancer isn’t one disease but represents thousands upon thousands of diseases. Each type of cancer has various subtypes with more subtypes being discovered each year. Meanwhile, a person’s age, health history, and immune system affect how the human body responds to treatment. Even if two people’s cancers share the same name, the same staging, the same location, and treatment plan the odds of survival can be extremely different. One person can skate through treatment, the next may be tortured and boxed into the fight of their life. Never assume two cancers are the same–even if they share the same name.
4. “Did you try lavender oil, that I-can’t-remember-the-name Chinese plant compound, or those coffee enemas known to cure cancer?”
In their longing to help, friends and loved ones often suggest unproven alternative care, some of which can undermine treatment or prove dangerous. While well-meaning, it can be hard to listen to someone without medical degrees prescribe off-the-wall, downright odd and even dangerous treatment plans.
5. Silence.
My husband, Leif, and I were warned that people would disappear from our lives. After the initial flood of responses, we were tempted to think, “That’s not true!” Then, silence arrived. The warning proved true. I think of names and faces of those I’ve known, loved, and even worked with for many years who have never said a word. I know they know. They know I know. Yet all I heard was silence.
Seven months into treatment, I received a call from a friend who apologized for being busy and distracted and not reaching out. After hanging up the phone, I wept.
The ongoing gift of your presence is one of the most powerful things you’ll ever give someone facing cancer or any kind of adversity.
We aren’t looking for pat answers, clichés, or dismissive, false promises like, “You’ll be fine.” Rather, we need you to be present in our lives. To laugh. To love. To say the following eleven magic words:
“Today, you are thought of, prayed for, and you are loved.”
Those never grow old. No matter how many times you text or write them in a card. Those words communicate that you’re with the person in the midst of their storm. Those words can bring healing and hope and encouragement. Will you pick up your phone right now? Scroll through the names. Who can you reach out and text right now with words of encouragement and hope as you extend the gift of your ongoing presence?
Now what would you add to the Never Ever Say list?
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Thank-you so much for sharing this. How sad that people would disappear. It reminds me to be even more intentional. Great post! God bless you.
One comment my husband heard when he shared that he had been diagnosed with lymphoma was, “What did you do to get that?” Also not very helpful. Thank you for your post and helpful suggestion!
Thank you, Margaret, for reminding us to be sensitive.
How about a post on what TO say to those who receive this hard diagnosis, in addition to “You are loved, you are cared for and you are being prayed for”?
xo
Kim
We all know people who say wrong or hurtful things and unfortunately they probably won’t change anytime soon. (Haven’t we all been guilty of it?). I don’t think they intend to be mean spirited, especially if they have been longtime friends. They just don’t give much thought to others feelings. Sometimes they are at a loss as to what to say and words have a way of slipping out when you are in what may feel like an uncomfortable, new situation or you are just plain scared to hear your friend has cancer. If you are on the receiving end there is no reason why you can’t speak your mind and tell them what they said was hurtful and it isn’t something you want to hear. We need to focus on the positive things we can do to encourage those around us who are struggling with any physical or mental disease. I believe that reaching out to someone during a difficult time in their lives is a blessing. Mailing a card or magazine to someone who’s housebound is welcomed, as well as calling and asking if it’s ok to come over for a few minutes, and make a point to stay ONLY a few minutes unless they talk you into staying longer. Offer to grocery shop for them or pick up dinner. Bring their favorite dessert or a coffee gift card for a later treat. Put a potted plant or some flowers on their porch as a welcome surprise. I have a friend and 2 family members who have or have had cancer. They tell me that phone calls are very welcome. I have been praying for you Margaret and I believe miracles happen every day and God will keep doling them out to you.
God bless you always
Dear Margaret,
I send sympathy and empathy both. I have ovarian cancer, which has a 3% cure rate. I have gotten some of all five of your responses, but mostly I have gotten a lot of prayer. I honestly don’t let the poor responses bother me, and with the cures, I have tried a couple of things and just tell the others that my doctor said no, it would interfere with treatment. I am taking a capsule of ground up reishi mushrooms, and I have some essential oils I am using, but I can’t rub frankincense oil directly on my skin any more, it makes me break out in a rash! I drink sencha tea when I want a hot drink, as that is supposed to be a cancer-fighter, too. But then I draw the line.
My concern is how people are praying for me. Almost uniformly, they want to pray for my healing, and they don’t want to accept any other result. Well, if the Lord wants to heal me and have me live another 20 years, then fine, I will accept that. But what if the Lord is answering my long-standing prayer to NOT become an elderly and infirm person but to be allowed to go to heaven around age 70 or so, what if cancer is His way of answering that prayer with a yes? I have always been a wimpy person, and I want to get to the “good part”, heaven, just as soon as I can, and finish this ‘hard part’ on earth ASAP! I would read the genealogies in Genesis and shudder–can you imagine having to live 900+ years and watch the earth decay and get ever more evil around you all those years?! No; please, Lord, take me home sooner rather than later!
So if I do die in the next 5 years or so, which is highly likely, how are all my dear friends going to feel, the ones fervently praying for my healing? I don’t want anyone to feel their prayers are not answered just because God’s answer was No instead of Yes. So I keep saying, and occasionally posting, that whatever happens is what God has decided is for my greatest good, will make me most like Jesus, and bring God the greatest glory. And then people sigh and comment how brave I am, or how strong I am, or how spiritual I am and then I feel like a fraud because it isn’t any of those things–I don’t have the resources within myself to be strong, brave, spiritual, tough, or anything else admirable in the face of cancer. I gave God control of the situation because I saw clearly that I didn’t have any myself, and once I quit worrying about all the ‘what if…’ situations that may arise, and trusted that God was in charge and going to provide for each of them, I quit feeling stressed and upset and was able to relax, feel peaceful, be calm. and be a comfort to family and friends. As dear and wise old Corrie ten Boom once wrote, “don’t wrestle, just nestle!” So I go around now telling people that God really can be trusted, try it and you will see. What else can I do? People want to put me on a pedestal, and I get dizzy at heights so no thank you! Put God up there, HE is the one providing what is making me look good, and He is the one worthy of the admiration, and He will give the same to you if you will let Him. I am afraid, if people keep telling me how brave, etc. I am, that I will start to believe them, and then I will be in a pickle, because I will be come obnoxious as soon as I quit knowing God is in control and start thinking things are good because of my own strength or deeds! I want people to praise God, not me.
Most of all, I want people to pray for God’s will to be done in my life and be willing to accept that it may not be physical healing,and for them to be okay with that, as I am. What is better than life? Heaven! And I wanna get there as soon as the Lord allows! This doesn’t mean that I am hopeless or depressed–it is quite the opposite, folks remark that I am joyful and encouraging to them. My sister is handling the situation more easily because I am able to be matter of fact about the odds and cheerful over all. On the ‘yuck’ days after chemo, I don’t make many jokes, but I am able to praise the Lord that so far I have not had to barf my guts out, either! There is something to be thankful for each and every day, and I am blessed and say so constantly. This helps me keep in thankful mode instead of going into complain mode (which would be my normal state without the Lord and sometimes is even with Him)!
Okay, I am starting to lose the thread of why I am writing, which means it is time to stop! Every blessing to you, Margaret, and keep on praising God. To praise Him is to fight cancer, as “a merry heart does good, like a medicine”!
My God!!! After reading through this article I wept.I know I am not doing enough,though I show compassion and love to those who are in pain.I feel it’s never enough.When God said I will never live you nor forsake you.it means a lot.Thanks God after all said and done in this world WE HAVE HOPE HOPE HOPE.
It’s hard to know what to say. I sometimes just pray and don’t say anything other than I’m praying. I have to be strong in my faith and weak in my alone time with Jesus. I lost my sister to lung cancer, my mother to adrenal cancer, and my husband and son both had cancer at the same time. My son and husband are now cancer-free, but we still have medical papers that are just overwhelming. We are so blessed. My son does not want to hear that he is blessed. So I just pray quietly when I’m alone.
I’m not easily impressed. . . but that’s impressing me! 🙂
Thank you for being so forthright. I to had breast cancer 12 years ago and am currently waiting for a breast needle biopsy report. I run a cancer support group out of my home that our church supports. I agree with all you have said, and I will add you to our prayer list at Living Hope. God is using this to enlighten each of us on how to respond and show God’s compassion. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
Thank you for sharing what many of us who have gone through cancer experience. I had breast cancer 12 years ago and am currently waiting to find out the test results from a breast needle biopsy. Through my experience God called me to start a Christian cancer support group called Living Hope. I want you to know a wonderful group of Christian ladies will be praying for you and your family as you go through this journey. You are not alone. I remember my family physician saying “Joan, God just gave you a wonderful ministry to minister to physicians and nurses and beyond.” At the time I wasn’t sure I wanted that ministry, but even though it is difficult and heart breaking at times, I thank God for using my cancer to be Christ to others. Only God can take a really lonely and hard journey and make into a blessing to be used of Him. He truly does help us find JOY even in the midst of it all. I never felt as close to Him as I did going through the cancer. I found singing praise to my Lord even when I didn’t feel like it always brought joy and peace. I faced my worst fear with such peace because I choose to let go and let God direct my life and give Him the glory.