Over the last year, I’ve received dozens of emails from people asking me to reach out to their friend with breast cancer. Those requests are well meaning and often stem out of a desperate cry of wanting to help but not knowing what to do or what to say.
I am so sorry for your friend. Really, I am.
But I won’t call your friend with breast cancer…
Alas, the people who she needs most in her life are the people closest to her. Not a stranger. Not someone she has no history with. Not a foreign voice on the end of a phone who has a very different disease. Breast cancer isn’t the same for everyone. In fact, there are hundreds of different types of this disease with totally different treatment plans.
She needs YOU. Yes, YOU. You are God’s plan. You are the one to give the gift of presence.
I know it’s scary. I know it’s hard. I know it’s uncomfortable.
But YOU are the one who is meant to be there for the long haul. Everyone is going to disappear in a few weeks or months or once chemo is over…but the toll this will take on her will last long, long beyond that.
What to Say:
Remember the magic words: You’re in my thoughts, you’re in my prayers, and you are loved. Keep in touch. Set a reminder on your phone once a week. Text her and say, “In my thoughts and prayers today.” She doesn’t need you to fix anything or say any magical words. She just needs to know you are present and there. This will be particularly true in six months when she feels all alone, alone, alone.
What to Do:
Offer to do things beyond cook a meal (EVERYONE wants to do that). Instead, pick up the lawn mower. Hire a handyman for a few hours. Pick up gas gift cards (she’s going to drive a billion miles to the hospital). Don’t buy her anything pink. She’ll be sweet, but there will be a period of time (and it may last forever) that she’ll hate everything pink. Some women find their identities in cancer. Most of us don’t. We end up de-pinking everything in our lives.
What to Give:
Avoid giving to middle-men breast cancer organizations on her behalf. “Despite the fact that Komen trademarked the phrase ’for the cure,’ only 16 percent of the $472 million raised in 2011, the most recent year for which financial reports are available, went toward research,” according to The New York Times.
And .16 cents on every dollar going toward to research ain’t gonna buy anyone a cure. We need the whole dollar going to research.
If she wants you to give, give directly to the researchers so the whole amount goes to beating this disease. Rather than do a walk on her behalf, get together with friends and put together cash. Ask her to hand over one of her medical bills up to a certain amount and pay it. She will probably pay maximum out of pocket for years to come and max out in certain areas of insurance coverage (don’t tell her yet—she has is a lot to take in).
If she has any type of treatment plan that extends beyond 12 weeks, know that this is going to take a heavy financial toll on her and her family. Some treatment plans, like mine, last more than a year. She or her spouse may be struggling to hold onto her job to support her family or keep her health insurance. If at all possible, do what you can to make sure her family has work, a job, and insurance.
It’s all big and scary. But remember, as followers of Jesus, we’re the people who run in when everyone else is running out.
You got this. You can do this. She needs you. Be there. Don’t leave. No matter what.
If you want some more practical, helpful ideas on how to respond, pre-order the Fight Back With Joy book and Bible study. You’ll not only learn what your friend cannot say aloud, but you’ll also discover how to respond in hands-on practical ways and walk her through this journey.
Thank you so much for writing this article! It is hard to know the true need of a friend or loved one who is fighting cancer. Most of the time I think that maybe they just need people to stop bringing the meals and that they may need to be alone and rest. After reading this article, my eyes are open to the financial needs and burdens of this battle and the loneliness people with cancer must feel. Thank you for helping me to become aware (no guilt) of how to be a better friend, sister, aunt, daughter, etc.
I am very excited to read your new book in January! JOY is my absolute favorite word. I can’t wait to hear you speak in the spring in Cincinnati
Great insight here. Thanks so much for the candid advice. I found it helpful in several specific areas. Wonderful words of encouragement and that nudge out of the nest…… yeah, that’s great stuff.
You are in my thoughts and prayers so often Margaret, I <3 you and your are one of my heroes of the faith! xoxo
Thank you SO much……who ARE the researchers to give directly to?
Hi Cat! Here’s a link to more information about how to GIVE directly to researchers: https://margaretfeinberg.com/breast-cancer/
Thank you Margaret for being honest and reminding all of us: ‘as followers of Jesus, we’re the people who run in when everyone else is running out’
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love you Margaret! You communicated this so well, as you always do.
Thank you, Margaret, for reminding those of us doing life with someone who has breast cancer to walk through it with sensitivity and a strong arm to lean on. During my own journey, strength came from God, family and friends. I have to agree — breast cancer doesn’t define me. And green is my favorite color.
Thank you, Margaret. So encouraging and very specific. Thank you.
Wonder words of encouragement..love the part about pink. I m a caretaker for my friend with Ovarian cancer…and she is sick of pink…it’s like a walking advertisement…
Margaret, again, such a VERY good post. My husband is in remission from pancreatic cancer (11 years this past July…there’s an encouragement for others) a month after he entered remission my daughter was diagnosed with CML and eventually required a bonemarrow transplant (she was the youngest this particular cancer center had done a transplant on for this cancer) BUT one thing that we learned very early was that cancer is a million different diseases and all of the people who deal with it are unique individuals with a unique disease with varying treatements and different coping journeys…and outcomes and complications and timing….Beyond that there was so much in this post that is well worth reading and taking to heart about helping, encouraging, and blessing those who are on this journey. Thank you for being willing to speak up & speak the truth, even if it isn’t popular (I mean isn’t everyone on board with the pink ribbon campaign…it’s almost a sacred cow, isn’t it???) I am praying God blesses you BIG in your journey with Him and thank you for letting Him use you to bless us in the ways you do.
Great article. Thank you for highlighting the financial aspect. I am currently undergoing treatment and every month we get a bill for $1000-$2000 minimum. That is after insurance has covered their part. It is like buying another house. By the grace of God, we are able to cover this, but there are many families that cannot. Also, just visiting is wonderful. Sometimes it feels like my entire life is on hold since I am not as able to get out and do the things I would rather be doing. Connecting with people is the best medicine.
Yay google is my queen helped me to find this great internet site ! . “A tough lesson in life that one has to learn is that not everybody wishes you well.” by Dan Rather.
Such good advice, Margaret! When battling cancer, I so appreciated any money to help with travel costs, cheery cards, a quick phone call, prayers, and even an occasional small gift. All of these were so encouraging and helped lift my spirits on the difficult days.
One of my pet peeves was as soon as I started chemo, my doctor’s office signed me up for the American Cancer Society, supposedly so I would get all kinds of help from them. I got no help even though I called and asked for help several times. I just was harassed with phone calls asking me to donate to them. I finally was able to get one of these callers to take me off their list. I now cringe every time I see one of their advertisements.
Thanks for saying what needs to be said!
I so agree that friends need friends!
And thank you for pointing out that most of us don’t want to find our identities in cancer. I feel a little less guilty about asking to have my name taken off the support group after two years. And I was never able to attend it anyway.