“Who will raise my three kids? They’re only 6, 4, and 18-months.”
I stood speechless. I didn’t have an answer. I also knew she wasn’t looking for one.
The 34-year-old mom looked like she walked out of a LuLaRoe catalog complete with bright lemon scarf and adorbs tan booties. If I hadn’t spent so much time in the cancer ward myself, I would have thought her hair was real. Her sweet smile and perky personality hid an ocean of grief and pain.
From the outside, you never would have guessed we were engaged in the Unspeakable Conversation.
Those who enter the dungeon halls of this hideous disease soon develop cancer-dar—a super-ability to detect those for whom it feels safe to ask the darkest of questions, confess the deepest of doubts, give voice to the most horrible of outcomes.
Even now her question still haunts me.
Why?
She died seven months ago.
As to who will raise her precious children… that still remains undetermined.
I miss her.
For me, October remains one of the hardest months of the year.
All those pink ribbons remind me of the pain. The suffering. The orphaned kids. The widowers. The Unspeakable Conversations.
We hear messages of “medical breakthroughs” and “improvements in treatment”, but my friends are still dying.
For example, they say less women are having double mastectomies. Do you know why?
Because for some types of breast cancer, the outcome of survival is the same with a double mastectomy or lumpectomy. That means less invasive surgery (good), but same number of people are dying (bad).
In fact, there’s an uptick in the number of women diagnosed with breast cancer in their teens, 20s, and 30s. No one knows why. Lots of theories abound, but the scientific explanation remains unknown.
Six billion dollars, yes, $6,000,000,000.00 will be raised this year in the name of breast cancer.
But how much of that is going to research? Pennies on the dollar.
The largest pink crusading company only donates .16 of every dollar to research.
“Despite the fact that Komen trademarked the phrase ‘for the cure,’ only 16 percent of the $472 million raised in 2011, the most recent year for which financial reports are available, went toward research,” according to The New York Times.
Sixteen cents won’t buy a cure.
Sixteen cents hasn’t been buying a cure.
And I’m all for awareness. Women and men (yes, 1 out of 100 breast cancer diagnosis is male) need to be alert for anything suspicious regardless of age. Affordable testing should be available. Early detection is crucial.
But we need more than sixteen cents going to research. We need the whole dollar.
I have too many friends whose lives are on the line. Too many friends who are already gone.
Rather than buy something pink, where only pennies go to an organization, make a real donation to someone doing research.
In addition, we need to broaden the definition of what breast cancer awareness means. We need to move beyond a mammogram reminder to becoming educated on how to love and care for those who have been diagnosed and learn to walk beside them on their journeys.
What if we spent the month of October becoming aware of what to say, what not to say, and how to be a true friend and encourager to those who have been diagnosed with cancer?
This would mean those we know and love would …
Feel less alone.
Live with more joy warriors beside them.
Make this journey with more hope and strength.
This would mean that we would become people who…
Give the gift of our presence for the long haul.
Walk in confidence as we listen, laugh, and love.
Meet practical needs through our responses.
I want to equip you with some practical resources to begin loving people well during breast cancer awareness month. Would you take a few minutes to read the following:
- 5 Things You Should Never Ever Say to Someone with Cancer
- Why I Won’t Call Your Friend With Breast Cancer
- When You Battle Cancer People Say the Most Horrible Things: The Secret to Speaking Life, Hope, and Love
- The Three Worst Things You Can Say To Someone Battling Cancer Or Any Kind of Adversity…And You’ve Probably Already Said Them
- 15 Things You Can Do When Someone You Love Has Cancer
Recommended Resources:
Donate direct to researchers through:
- Cufund.org and click on “Give Now” on top of the page. Write the name of the fund: Young Women’s Breast Cancer. This directly supports the Young Women’s Breast Cancer Translational Program, founded by Dr. Virginia Borges, which is committed to identifying the cause for increased risk of death for young woman with breast cancer.
- Dana Farber. Direct your gift to support the breast cancer research fund.
- Mayo Clinic. Direct your gift toward cancer research.
This was a good read for me and I pray for cure. Seems each year thrungs of people walk in hopes to touch the healing waters but too many just don’t make it and silently whispers, “maybe next year”.
“This kind cannot come out but anything but prayer.”
Let’s be fearless in our trust in the resurrecting power given to us!
I earnestly pray our Lord JesusChrist gives authority and empowers his chosen ones to go out and heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness!
Thank You!
Pink Ribbons haunt me too…
I loved this Margaret! My mother has survived Breast cancer and while she suffered we all did. I have often been asked to help support the “Cause” and have never done it for the exact same reasons that you mentioned they’re not finding a cure and billions and billions go toward this every year it’s very frustrating for me so thank you ,I love the idea of donating straight to the researchers much much better!!!
Thank you for speaking truth!
Bless you, Margaret! I have a ministry where I hand-crochet chemo caps and deliver them to a local infusion center where several of my friends have received their chemo treatments. I just delivered cap # 621 a couple of weeks ago. My Sunday School class prays over our caps before I deliver them and we attach a card with our prayer to each cap. I am so blessed each time I am lucky enough to meet someone who has one of my caps or to receive a card or email with a note of thanks. I just hope my small effort can be a true blessing to those who fight this terrible disease. Love you, sweetie!
Margaret I know those pink ribbons from up close. My best friend died when she was 39 and she also had three children. Then my Mom died from the beast in 2009. Then it was my turn in 2014 and since I had ovarian cancer in 1980… It is a cruel ugly beast. The one thing I would ask is why part of the therapy isn’t hyperbaric/high oxygen treatments. I was told lack of oxygen to our cells is a big part in getting cancer. My oncologist told me to walk and exercise to increase my oxygen levels. So now that I’m in remission, why not give patients 4-5 treatments in a hyperbaric chamber after their surgery. They are used in wound healing, why not for us?
Thank you for your encouragement.
Hi Margaret,
Do you know if the Mayo Clinic or the other orgs you recommended have 5ks or other community fundraisers? It would be a great opportunity to offer an alternative to the “big pink race”.
Thank you Miss Margaret. My one year anniversary of my last treatment was this week. I still have an upcoming reconstruction surgery. I still like the color pink but I don’t wear attire with pink ribbons on it. Someone suggested that I die a portion of my hair pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I tried to explain to them that I do not need any more cancer neon signs in my life. It’s hard for people to understand. I used to wear a bracelet for my best friend Aimee who went to be with Jesus at 30 years old. The day I was diagnosed I took it off and have never worn it again. (she passed in 2011, I was diagnosed in 2014) It’s different when its you. My personality draws enough attention to itself without any help from breast cancer symbols.
Thank you for your words…
Have a great day!
Tiffany
I love that you speak out on this issue, Margaret! I have not participated in cancer walk/runs nor donated money to the American Cancer Society or Komen, for just the reasons you give, and because they take advantage of cancer survivors and those recently diagnosed. When I was battling cancer, I repeatedly got phone calls from the American Cancer Society to donate and help people with cancer. I always said no. All I ever got from the American Cancer Society were some brochures on cancer. Every time I called them to ask for assistance, I was told they did not do that. This is despite my oncologist’s nurse being told that is exactly what American Cancer Society does for cancer patients, and that is why they registered their cancer patients with American Cancer Society. I think your suggestions for donations that go directly to research is awesome!
Thank you for this. As anew survivor, I have mixed feelings about all the pink ribbons too. Shares this on Facebook to encourage others to do something different.
Ugggg! Sorry about the typos!
Sending hugs during this trying month. Thank you for all the resources! You continue to encourage and inspire me. I’ve read all your books and always look forward to the e-mail subscriptions. Thank you for doing what you do!
Margaret! I’ve always been one of your biggest fans; but this is one of the greatest moments yet. Thank you for speaking up. I’ve been bothered about this same issue for years now. Your comments say it all with love and compassion. Thank you for giving those positive suggestions for alternatives. Most of the people making this mistake have true and big hearts and will redirect their passion to a more worthy place if we keep speaking truth with love.
Margaret, thank you for sharing this reminder. God bless you for sharing your journey. I just shared my copy of fighting back with joy, with my sister. Praying for God to deliver a cure and save us from companies that profit from others pain.
Amen Sister!
If I could ask about breast cancer, it would be what time of the day is hardest for you and why. That is when I will be praying for you and will be holding you in my heart.
I will aks God to heal each of my sisters and that we will no loose one over breast cancer.
Margaret, thank you for once again posting this message during “breast cancer awareness month”. Each of your points are more than true. I recently retired from a long career as a “professional fundraiser/director of development in the healthcare and biomedical research field. What is seldom disclosed are the “indirect/overhead” charges that are applied to gifts and donations. In the case of gifts for research at universities and private biomedical research institutions, this charge is set by the NIH (National Institutes of Health) for each individual institution. For many of the top institutions and universities, the indirect rate can be as high 100%, meaning that for each dollar raised another dollar must be added to the donation to cover “the cost of doing business”. I believe that every donor should inquire as to the institution’s indirect rate policy and whether or not their gift will have this indirect rate attached to it. This can be done by speaking directly with the development or institutional advancement office. I hope this helps as people discern where to offer their support. YOU are making a difference in the lives of those women and men affected by breast cancer. Blessings to you and Leif (and Hershey of course)!
My mom died from breast cancer when I was 13, on the first day of my freshman year of high school. That was way back in 1973. Then we were promised that cancer research would be making huge strides by the time I was in my 50s. But here we are. I hate to be cynical, but the amount of money being raised should equal progress. And then I wonder about all the people who would lose their jobs if a cure was found. This is something I’ve been grappling with for years. Thanks for being brave and speaking truth about the dirty secret. You are loved and appreciated!
Thank you, sweet friend!
Hugs, Lisha!
Yes! Seems a valid option we all need to know about!
Thank you, sweet Brandi!
This is a wonderfully sweet idea! Thank you for caring and being a blessing, Candice!
Hugs, Nora!
I do not know this information, Aryn. Could be a great opportunity!
Prayers for you, Tiffany, for continued healing. It is different when it’s you. Hugs!
Thank you, Janet! Hugs!
Thank you, Jennifer. Prayers for continued healing!
You are so sweet, Chantelle! Thank you!
It’s true. Most people simply don’t know. Thank you!
Thank you, Deb, for the encouragement. Hugs!
It is so much more complex that we realize, isn’t it?! Thank you for sharing this insight!
Thank you for sharing, Dinah. Hugs!
The Truth about Cancer is worth paying attention to. If all the ‘pink’ money were used to educate the population about healthy nutrition there would be much benefit to our society’s health. Instead, we are being given a lot of false information. There is a small ripple about revealing hidden sugars in foods but these poisons shouldn’t be allowed on our grocery shelves.
Preservatives in ready packaged foods are also hurting us big time.
Many people in First World Countries no longer take time to make wholesome food from scratch and it is to our detriment.
Margaret –
Yes, yes and YES! I wholeheartedly agree with every word you wrote here. I especially stand behind those around “us” learning how to be a friend who is “present” by their encouraging words and/or actions while we are moving through this journey.
I am looking forward to starting FLOURISH in 2017…
What a perfect way to begin a New year!
Yours, in Prayer and on the Journey –
Thank you for contributing to the conversation, Selma!
So happy this spoke to you and thrilled you will be starting Flourish!! Hugs!
II was at the Fresh Grounded Faith event in Springfield this past
week-end. It was the first time I even heard of you but you spoke to me concerning your trip involving cancer. Two and one-half years ago I was given a diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer. I have only had one three month round of a chemo pill that had minor side effects. In 6 months there was no more disease but 8 months later two small spots reappeared. Since then I have have been on a hormone therapy which has kept me stable. I will be praying for you by name as I do other patients I know or am told about. This is the seed I sow for others. God is greater than any cancer.
Thank you for the prayers, Shirley!
If I were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, now I’d say “Kbowaunga, dude!”
Great hammer of Thor, that is porfewully helpful!
That insight’s just what I’ve been looking for. Thanks!
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