Hot cider. Homemade treats. Music in the air. A dusting of snow. A bright lit tree. The giggles of children. The lighting of the candles. The carving of the meat. The scents and sounds of the holiday season lunge and linger.
Yet for some, the holidays are painful.
The celebrations are reminders of not just who is there… but who is not.
The gatherings are reminders of not just what you have… but what you don’t.
The moments are reminders of not just what you’ve gained… but what you’ve lost.
You have people in your life, right now, of those who walk among the fellowship of the afflicted. You may be among them. I describe this in Fight Back With Joy.
Maybe you received the news of the diagnosis.
Faced an ongoing struggle with infertility.
Suffered through a painful miscarriage.
Received the crushing financial blow.
Discovered your spouse wasn’t being true.
Experienced a freak accident.
Had someone take something from you that you’ll never get back.
Or something worse.
For some these holidays—Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas—bring tears.
The spouse is gone.
The empty seat at the table is a place of pain.
The bank is threatening to take your house.
The loved one died far too early, far too young.
The kids keep asking, “Where’s dad?” or “Where’s mom?”
The Alzheimer’s keeps getting worse.
The hospital is a lousy way to spend the holidays.
The bail bond got you out, but not out of the mess.
The bank accounts are below empty.
The cabinets sit bare.
Yet you, yes you, can be someone who helps heal broken hearts this holiday season. Here are 5 ways to be a holiday balm to the hurting.
1. Speak the person’s name. If someone you know has lost a loved one, the holidays can be particularly difficult. One of the most powerful words you can speak is the person’s name. Say, “I miss James, too.” Or “I miss Kelly, too.” The acknowledgement can mean the world. And if you have a funny story about the person or warm memory, share it. “I still remember the year Matt wore that silly reindeer hat and made us all laugh with his imitations.”
2. Deliver dinner. You don’t need to wait until an official holiday to deliver a meal. You can take one tonight or tomorrow. Ask about food allergies/preferences. If that’s too much on your calendar, pick up a gift card to their favorite restaurant. Let them have the joy of ordering a meal in.
3. Send something other than a Christmas card. During years where there’s been heavy pain and loss, thumbing through a stack of Christmas cards of perfect-looking people with images of extravagant vacations and lists of achievements can be heavy on the heart. Instead, send life-giving cards.
A few years ago I started to browse through greeting card aisles, wondering how hard it really was to find a well-written card. Few to none of the cards were written for people with ongoing crisis, loss or adversity, and those available were wah-wah.
So I worked with an artist to create modern, bright n’ beautiful designs. You can choose from three 8-packs of cards, designed to encourage and inspire. All are designed to equip you to help those facing tough times fight back with joy.
You’ll find ones that encourage:
Inside: If only you could see what I see when I look at you. You’d be WONDERSTRUCK.
Or you can serve the person with the Tell Me What You Need Card.
4. Look to serve. Much like the purpose of the Tell Me What You Need Cards, you can look for specific ways to help. Shovel the driveway. Bring packages in. Offer to put up the Christmas tree. Offer to care for the kids for an evening. Small acts of service can be a source of great love.
5. Listen. Ask the question, “What’s it like for you this holiday season?” then just sit and listen. All the person to talk, to be honest, to share…without trying to fix the other person. You may just be giving the gift that’s most needed.
My husband died unexpectedly early Dec last year. I have found the Psalms very comforting, maybe this will help someone else.
We have been blessed! My husband got a christmas bonus out of no where. I am sad that alot of families r affected by the paradise fire. Hometown gone. God knows our plans for our lives. Thankfully we can pray or support people who r hurting. There is nothing better than having Jesus in your heart. God bless all of u.
Thank you for sharing, sweet Janie. Huge hugs!
I’ve begun a tradition at my church: a Blue Christmas Worship Service: bringing Light into Darkness. (You can search for it on Google.) It’s a service to acknowledge that not all Christmases are white…some are blue. When it seems like the world is awash in in lights, celebrations, friends, and family (all good things), many among us feel a sense of loss, grief, disconnect. Also called “Longest Night Service,” our’s will be on December 21st, which happens to be Winter Solstice. We’ll have Scripture readings and mellow hymns; I’ll give a meditation, and we’ll light votive candles–and invite each to take a candle home to light the way.
What a wonderful tradition! Thank you for sharing.
This year our family has lost four sweet babies – one prior to birth, two at birth and one as a toddler. We have been reminding the parents that we remember these precious ones – and found a wonderful company that makes a sweet little ornament with an angel face peeking above a cloud. We had the child’s name placed in the cloud with the words Our Angel. Just a small way to honor that child and let them know that we share their loss.
Wow would you share the name of that company, I would love to do that for my daughter!
What a sweet way to remember your lost ones, Sandy! Hugs!
Thank you Margaret for your insight yet again. I live and practice in the area of the Woolsey fire and the mass shooting at The Borderline. People I know and love have been changed forever with grief this year. But God … He is still Very present as hearts are broken.
I appreciate your ideas. I have been searching for how … how to lean in during this pain so great for so many. What matters. Thank you again.
And for those who shared above. Wow. Great idea on the Blue Christmas, Jerry.
And … I am so very sorry for the tender raw losses of all your little babies in your family Sandy. Cannot imagine. Praying for you. Will meet you in Heaven for a hug at the end of our days on this side.
Janie, I am so sorry. Again. Unimaginable. Praying and a hug from afar.
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement, Kathleen! Hugs!
I messaged a friend whose son committed suicide…”I miss—with you”. Thank you for giving me the words. She messaged me back and was touched. I know before I read your book Fight Back With Joy and heard you speak at Women of Joy, I had no idea how to show my care and empathy in the loss of one’s child. It is so personal. I do not want to know from experience the loss. So thanks.
So very sweet of you to reach out to your friend, Kay! Praying you continue to be a shining light of hope to those around you!
Our oldest son was born on December 2, and passed at the age of 4 1/2 on April 2nd and for years Christmas has always been a little sad for me. I am at the point in my life where I want to help others deal with the loss and pain. I cannot imagine losing 4 babies in one year in a family. But Sandy, I know that God is good and loving all the time. I just cling to Romans 8:28 and trust in God’s promises.
My heart aches for you, Patty! May the Lord be so very present with you during this Christmas season and going forward. Hugs!
Thank you, Margaret for addressing loss and pain in the holiday season. I’ve had bladder issues for a year and a half that keep me from eating a lot of foods (including the holiday-filled ones like chocolate and coffee). I’m thankful that I’m not having pain anymore, but I’ve struggled in my walk with God over it. It’s a small loss compared to so many others, but everyone has their own journey and it’s never easy for anyone to go through times of loss, no matter what they may look like. Thanks again, Margaret! God bless you!
Praying this Christmas season brings you closer to Him! Hugs!
I praise God for his healing grace, ten years December 1,2008
ago our mother went to sleep ,so this year God give each of us spiced comfort .
Praying comfort over you and your family, Jacquelyn!
Thanks for sharing that wonderful experience you had in California, where the Holy Spirit spoke through you to this lady who had lost her husband.
I have a dear friend whose birthday is on December 17 and on that same date in 2003 she lost her second daughter, who was 21 months. Fifteen years later even though she smiles and attends her family, she confesses her life is not the same.
Thank you for reminding us that Christmas celebrations are reminders of who is there and who is not.
May the Lord continues using you!
Thank you for the sweet words, Sandy! Hugs!