A Crazy Lady’s Guide to Black Friday

Margaret —  November 23, 2012 — 5 Comments

shopping

 

Black Friday is that glorious day after Thanksgiving which marks the first day of the holiday shopping season. In the past several years, the Friday has been the busiest day of the shopping year. Where did "Black Friday" come from? Philadelphians first began using the term before 1966 to refer to the thick mob of pedestrian and car traffic. Black Friday also refers to the black ink used in retail stores to show a profit.

Follow my guide to ensure you save the most money!

1. Scope out stores several days ahead of time. Create a to-scale model with building blocks and foam to ensure the best accuracy. How many steps are between the checkout and that screwdriver kit? Is it a 46 or 47-degree angle between the fuzzy snowman socks and the replica of your grandmother's antique teapot?

These are the questions you need to ask; every second wasted is an extra penny spent. Don't be afraid to ask an employee for blueprints. As you case the joint in the days leading up to Friday, keep an eye out for any white-haired lady or Jr. Higher you see more than once. Chances are, they're also scoping out the store.

2. Pour over every catalogue or newspaper ad. The Internet is your friend; it may hold a treasure cove of further discounts. Now is when you whip out that homemade raven-colored coupon holder. Take loads of time at the register to sort through all your un-alphabetical and un-categorized coupons. Especially if the man behind you picked up those fake diamond earrings you wanted for your wife. He'll grow so frustrated he'll throw them to the ground and stomp away.  Now the earrings are finally yours and, justasec-wait, one second...I've got a coupon for those...

3. Brush up on your rollerblading skills. Traversing the mall will be faster on numerous wheels than on your own ground-bound feet. Besides, elbow and kneepads will allow you to shove a path through the crowds. If you want a competitive edge, pull the bottoms off of soccer cleats and attach them to your pads. Watch how smoothly a path now forms in front of you.

4. Bring camping equipment when you stand in line the night before. A tent will keep your toes toasty and your secrets safe as you review your plan. Bring hot chocolate with big fluffy marshmallows; the drifting aroma will cause slight madness in your competition, making it easier to out wit them. With any luck, the cold will freeze off your more daunting rivals.

5. Paint black streaks underneath your eyes for an air of ruthlessness. Also, refrain from showering a week in advance. The stench and grunge-look will strike fear in others' hearts.

Be tough. Be callous. GO! GO! GO!

Have loads of fun.

I'm sleeping in.

 

*Original photo found here

 

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5 responses to A Crazy Lady’s Guide to Black Friday

  1. My wife is a die-hard Black Friday shopper. She begins about 2-3 weeks searching for the leaked ads online and then has an entire notebook laying out her store schedule and wait times, including when each one opens and what items they will have that she is looking for! I do my part by staying home and watching football!

  2. Hi Margaret! Enjoyed your post so much. Got the best laugh and whole heartedly agree with your very last line!!!!!
    I would rather endure a brief episode of waterboarding than participate in Black Friday. The name itself should deter people. Yuck
    Anyhoo, I love it so much I decided to share it on my blog…leading folks back to you of course. I hope that’s ok? Let me know if it’s a problem.
    Blessings

    ~Robin

  3. Love it! It’s 12:15 Colorado time and I’m still in my pajamas.

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