Small Groups. We’ve all been in one where the numbers continue to whittle down until it’s just you and the leader left.
But when you’re the one leading, what do you do if people start leaving yours?
Here are three things to do when people leave your small group:
1. Don’t freak out.
This does not stamp you with the World’s Worst Small Group Leader award.
Breathe. Chances are, the reason they left has nothing to do with you. Sometimes life happens. Work shifts get moved around, kids have music lessons and baseball games, illnesses and life crises occur. Nothing gets accomplished if you start hyperventilating and then pass out on the floor.
2. Start talking.
Ask them to a friendly cup of coffee in a nonthreatening tone and dialogue with them about why they left. Did life merely get hectic? Lend your support and listening ear. Is there anything you can do to encourage them to stay? If the time your small group has decided to meet doesn’t work anymore, can you change it?
See this as time for you to develop your leadership skills. Do they feel as though they are not being heard or not being challenged? Do they dislike the topic or see it as childish? Remember to approach your conversation prayerfully and in humility; now is not the time to assert your leadership authority over them. You are meeting to learn how to be a better leader. Also, don’t use your position as an excuse to share their business with the rest of the group. Trustworthiness should be one of your trademark leadership qualities.
3. Move on.
Once you talk with them, you can determine whether or not their suggestions or complaints are valid and something you want to incorporate. You can’t please everybody. Although Christ did feed the crowd, he didn’t try to please them. Would switching topics really help the group, or are they only upset because they are not in control? At times, for the sake of the others in the group, it is better to let one person go. Eventually you will have to make a decision, trust God with the rest, and move on.
This week we’re giving away THREE copies of Ben Reed‘s new book, Starting Small.
Ben is the small groups pastor at Long Hollow, a multi-site church in the Nashville, TN area. In addition to pastoring, preaching, and writing, Ben has a great passion for coffee. Good coffee, that is. And CrossFit. But not at the same time! You can journey along with Ben at BenReed.net!
In Starting Small, Ben talks about how church small groups are powerful. Through small groups, God uses intentional relationships to bring change to people’s lives. But it’s not always easy to foster a small group environment in the local church. It takes a system to produce disciples, churn out leaders, and compel people to be on mission together through small groups.
Ben helps you through the process of putting a small group ministry together.
I loved when you wrote, “Trustworthiness should be one of your trademark leadership qualities”. This is one of the things that kept me going to a small group! When the leader is personal and genuine, I am more apt to come when there are other things vying for my time. I have really appreciated when my leader asks where I’ve been, but doesn’t make me feel guilty. At least for me, that’s where the trustworthiness comes into play.
It can be frustrating as an attendee when the group dwindles. However, I think it is very important to notice the people who are attending and let them know they matter, not focus too much on who isn’t there!
Many times when people have left the small groups that I lead, they tell me why they are leaving, usually because of other commitments. One person left because she could not tolerate another person in the group. I tried to talk to her, but she just said she would join other small groups that this other person was not in.
I hate small groups replacing Sunday School at our church. I understand that it helps form more intimate groups, but it feels so flippin’ cliquish to the new people who visit and are trying to find out if they like the church. We lead one and I feel like it’s so forced because I’m an introvert – need a book on small groups for introverts.
The small group that I co-lead had the same members for almost 4 yes until one had to leave due to going back to work and time (she still comes to dinners with us). The two new members that came caused certain ones not to come or not do the work. As leaders, it became a fine line of leaders vs friends to keep them accountable for the reason we meet. Sadly, the group is no longer together. Over the summer, we talked to several that do want to have the small group. We are in prayer over the steps to take.
This is timely, I do often take it personally when someone leaves my small group, so thank you!
It’s so hard to not take it personally but I have learned to trust in the fact that God’s in control. I’m excited to read this book.
This is a hard thing. We just had this happen this summer – we lost 7 people from our group and are down to 4. Many were due to moving, but a few were people who left our church. It’s hard not to take it personal. I feel like I am being refined a lot as a small group leader right now, but I know God has a plan in all of this. Thanks for the reminder to step back and breathe!
Me and my husband just started leading a small group back in May, so we are complete newbies and we have not had anyone leave yet!
I relate to Nesha’s story. Sometimes people who are toxic come into a group who are, despite being a believer, are filled with bitterness and hatefulness. When I led a group at a church, one of the ladies kept harassing me with hateful comments w/out saying my name. Once she came early, before others were there, just to be hateful. Whenever she was ready with a scheme, she would lean in close and whisper, knowing what she was about to say was wrong. It was futile telling the head leader because this lady was influential (and the former Bible teacher) and nothing was ever done by leadership to admonish her. Major distraction….
This is exactly what had happened to our class at church. It was huge too many people but we loved it. Then our leaders stepped down new ones came in.. more people left. They switched our room… more people left. It wasn’t the same. I would love to give our new leaders this book because I know they feel the weight on their shoulders. I believe God is working it all out for good. I think this book would help them and us to grow again.
I typically try to keep the lines of communication open.
It can be hard to see people leave your small group. I think it’s important for leaders to not take it personally. Have a conversation and let them know you care, then give yourself permission to not be responsible for their choice. Release them into God’s hands (that’s where they are anyway, right?).
I took it personal when a couple of people didn’t seem committed to attending regularly. God showed me that the group is not about the size and that I should not concentrate on how I feel, that the purpose of the group is for his glory. I have had some of the best conversations after the group is over and someone hangs back to ask a question or feel that they can speak to me alone for prayer or whatever it is that is the authentic community that God wants of to have. So my focus sometimes is on size and is it worth it and then I always get the overwhelming feeling in my spirit that if you stay faithful God will supply and bring people in your group that you need to reach or connect with at the correct time.
I would first go to God and pray. Pray, pray, pray. Seek God. Then try to find out why people are leaving the group. Then adjust accordingly. I know, it sounds easier than it is. But that’s where I would start. I would also not take it personally and I would continue to stay in prayer for the right people to be in your small group.
Just a few thoughts on small groups. I’m not a leader but I’ve been in groups where attendance has dwindled down to a few by the end of the study. As you say, the reason usually has nothing to do with the leader. Sometimes the meeting is just too long. A video plus discussion can last well over an hour and sometimes longer. The classroom may be too hot and stuffy, or too far away for someone with mobility issues. (I never thought about the latter until my knees started giving me trouble.) A shy person may feel uncomfortable. A newcomer may feel left out. Tactless questions such as “Do you have a job yet?” or “When are you and your husband going to start a family?” can drive people away.
Whenever I’ve left a group it was never because of the leader. Usually the cause was an unexpected change in my schedule.
Such great thoughts, Lynn. Thanks for sharing!
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Well to be honest I am leaving because of the leader in our small group. I noticed in the beginning she made a few statements that came off kind of prideful. Like how much wiser she is than our group and knows so much more. Or discredits you if she doesn’t agree with you. Nitpicking and judging. I figured its best to just be more guarded around her but then I thought what’s the point of continuing to go to a small group if you feel like you can’t even trust the leader?
Hi! I think another leaders need to keep in mind is that God is telling that person to move on and do something else. we need to understand that for everything, there is a season. It’s healthy for people to listen to the Holy Spirit leading and move how He wants them to move.
Great advice. I enjoyed reading about the reality of small group dynamics. Let’s face it, affinity is important, and if you can’t be open in a group, well, it’s just not a group. We had a wonderful and dynamic pastor who gave groups a really healthy way to become established; we met a couple of times, talked, shared stories, ate and then decided which study we would like to take and which group with which we were most comfortable. There were several groups, and a couple of studies from which to choose. This church had a membership from various states and backgrounds , so this provided a great way to get to know one another better. Remember, even the apostles had disagreements, so it is wise not to take it personally. Thank you, Margaret.